Born: February 14, 1894
Die: December 26, 1974
If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
Everything good that happened to me happened by accident.
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
Gags die, humor doesn't.
Modesty is my best quality.
Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.
It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause.
Try to save something while your salary is small; it's impossible to save after you begin to earn more.
A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
I went to a meeting for premature ejactulators. I left early.
A rich man is one who isn't afraid to ask the salesperson to show him something cheaper.
I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never met one like that, but if I did, I'd hate them.
I practice three hours daily on my violin so I won't get worse.
I'm an old newspaper-man myself, but I quit because I found there was no money in old newspapers.
“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.”
― Dr. Seuss