Patton Oswalt quote

"If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins."

Patton Oswalt

Born: January 27, 1969

Occupation: Comedian

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Patton Oswalt

There are times when I have to take, I call it a 'silence bath,' where I shut off all of the external gadgets. I go walk around, talk to people, and just live life for a while.

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Patton Oswalt

People will find transformation and transcendence in a McDonald's hash brown if it's all they've got.

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Patton Oswalt

Is it bad when you refer to all alcohol as "Pain Go Bye-Bye Juice"?

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Patton Oswalt

I think I realized it was an art form at the beginning, but it took me a really long time before I was able to view what I was performing myself as an art form.

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Patton Oswalt

So when you spot violence, or bigotry, or intolerance or fear or just garden-variety misogyny, hatred or ignorance, just look it in the eye and think, 'The good outnumber you, and we always will.'

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Patton Oswalt

George Bush is not stupid. He's evil. OK? There's a huge difference between stupid and evil.

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Patton Oswalt

I had a romance novel inside me, but I paid three sailors to beat it out if me with steel pipes.

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Patton Oswalt

We would not be here if humanity were inherently evil. We'd have eaten ourselves alive long ago.

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Patton Oswalt

If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.

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Patton Oswalt

It's like our country is being run by a bunch of bad alcoholic dads right now.

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Patton Oswalt

I have to drink this much to be as unfunny as you.

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Patton Oswalt

Lot of ugly funny dudes end up with some pretty gorgeous women. Women are much deeper than us in choosing a mate - they see in the long term.

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Patton Oswalt

90% of every art form is garbage - dance and stand-up, painting and music. Focus on the 10% that's good, suck it up, and drive on.

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Patton Oswalt

As much as I know people love the method and what you can draw out of yourself, a lot of acting is very imaginative.

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Patton Oswalt

As unhealthy as I am, I'm weirdly aware of exactly how my body functions.

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Patton Oswalt

Doing 'Young Adult' was really reassuring to me in a lot of ways. It confirmed a lot of suspicions I had about great actors.

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Patton Oswalt

Having enough money has to go hand in hand with living in a way that you're not being a slave to your possessions.

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Patton Oswalt

I can't say that I ever abided nerd stereotypes: I was never alone or felt outcast.

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Patton Oswalt

I don't want to get into extended conversations with people on MySpace, because there are friends I have extended conversations with every day.

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Patton Oswalt

I fantasize and idealize myself as Bugs Bunny, but I know deep down I'm Daffy Duck.

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Patton Oswalt

I grew up in such a featureless, personality-less suburb. There was nothing to push against.

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Patton Oswalt

I hate all sidekicks.

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Patton Oswalt

I have a very tiny house in Burbank. I drive an 8-year-old car. I'm gonna drive it into the ground. I enjoy what I enjoy.

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Patton Oswalt

I have some shorter stories coming out in other books early next year. I might be pitching a re-vamp of Ghost Rider in the spring. We'll see.

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Patton Oswalt

I like to write, I like to do stand-up, I like to act.

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Patton Oswalt

I've gotten very cynical and kind of anhedonic about all the things I have to do to get to do comedy: all the travel, hotels, and airports.

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Patton Oswalt

If Kevin James or Paul Giamatti drop weight, I'm done. I don't want to be the last pudge out there.

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Patton Oswalt

If you play comedic scenes like they're really serious, then it's so much more funny than if you're going for a laugh.

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Patton Oswalt

The Kentucky Fried Chicken corporation made a bobble head of me and sent it to my management. No card, nothing.

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Patton Oswalt

To get asked to do stuff like 'United States Of Tara' and 'Caprica' is terrific. I can't complain.

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Patton Oswalt

A lot of nerds aren't aware they're nerds. A geek has thrown his hands up to the universe and gone, 'I speak Klingon - who am I fooling? You win! I'm just gonna openly like what I like.' Geeks tend to...

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Patton Oswalt

Based on my own experience, when you're going through adolescence you don't know how the world works. You can't set a story in the world you live in because you don't know what a utility bill is, or how...

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Patton Oswalt

Every audience is different, even within the same venue. You have to just make every audience your audience; you can't pre-judge an audience based on the size of the room or the type of room.

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Patton Oswalt

Everything we have today that's cool comes from someone wanting more of something they loved in the past. Action figures, videogames, superhero movies, iPods: All are continuations of a love that wanted...

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Patton Oswalt

I mean, the death in the late eighties and early nineties really shook out a lot of hacks. The pond just sort of dried up for a lot of really bad comedians.

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Patton Oswalt

I've hung out in the writer's room a few times, but the fact is we've got such a good writing staff, I don't want to get my peanut butter fingerprints on anything.

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Patton Oswalt

If I were to just focus on stand-up, I could actually, paradoxically enough, be home way more, because I would leave on a Friday, go do a couple theaters Friday, Saturday, maybe Sunday, come home.

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Patton Oswalt

Now we live in this DVD, iTunes, Hulu age, and show creators and networks are realizing that and letting shows develop on those terms rather than 'We gotta just punch it week to week, man.' Now they're...

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Patton Oswalt

The problem is, and I'm just as guilty of this, a lot of people see their follower count increase and mistake that for friendships. It's great to have followers, especially if you want to sell albums,...

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Patton Oswalt

There's all kinds of those moments in your life where either through a weird set of circumstances, or a song you hear, or a smell you smell, or one person says something totally out of the context without...

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Patton Oswalt

This sounds like a brag, but I know how to make good fried rice. I learned in college. There are two secrets - take the rice after you cook it and let it get cold in the fridge. Then cook the egg like...

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Patton Oswalt

We're rewarding either the reality or the appearance of youth, which is why you have all these people in their fifties trying to act like they're seventeen. You know, it's great to be young. Be young....

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Patton Oswalt

What you want to worship above youth, I think, is beauty, and beauty is so beyond just appearances after a while. Because you can be with someone who's good-looking; if they open their mouths and they're...

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Patton Oswalt

Yeah, there were a few years in the early nineties where I really began to hate what was valued as funny and just sort of what was valued in stand-up, period.

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Patton Oswalt

The idea of, 'The journey is the destination' is put into action by browsing in an indie record store. Besides, a human being is a much better guide than a 'More Like This' link on the internet.

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Patton Oswalt

Anything's better than Gen X which is what we got. Thanks Douglas Coupland. We sound like a team of mutant vigalantees with frosted hair and chain wallets. Actually that's not completely horrible.

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Patton Oswalt

Every zombie story is fundamentally about a breakdown of order, with the infrastructure intact. That infrastructure might be on fire, yes.

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Patton Oswalt

Meal isn't over when I'm full. Meal's over when I hate myself.

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Patton Oswalt

It’s the method of consumption, not what’s on the plate.

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Patton Oswalt

My advice to you is be boring, square, asshole parents... When I have kids, the most recent CD I will own - Phil Collins, No Jacket Required, and I'll rave about it. 'Do you like rock 'n' roll? 'Cause...

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Patton Oswalt

We need conservatives that can accept gays, and then we need hippies that can shave and bathe.

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Patton Oswalt

If the victories we create in our heads were let loose on reality, the world we know would drown in blazing happiness.

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Patton Oswalt

Zombies can't believe the energy we waste on nonfood pursuits.

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Patton Oswalt

I want to experience as many different tastes, sights, emotions, conflicts, and cultures as possible, so that I can expand the canvas of my memory and enrich my comedy.

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Patton Oswalt

Cheap liquor is a magic potion that can turn you into a puppet cowboy before it kills you.

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Patton Oswalt

If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.

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That was how a Salomon bond trader thought: He forgot whatever it was that he wanted to do for a minute and put his finger on the pulse of the market. If the market felt fidgety, if people were scared...

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It seems to me that you need a lot of courage, or a lot of something, to enter into others, into other people. We all think that everyone else lives in fortresses, in fastnesses: behind moats, behind sheer...

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Sometimes language gets in the way of the story's feelings. The reader finds himself experiencing the language of the story rather than the story. The words sit there on the page like coins, with their...

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Henry Adams

You can't use tact with a Congressman! A Congressman is a hog! You must take a stick and hit him on the snout!

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Many teachers are concerned about the amount of material they must cover in a course. One cynic suggested a formula: since, he said, students on the average remember only about 40% of what you tell them,...

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I was on one of my fruitarian diets" Steve Jobs recalled "I had just comeback from the apple farm. It sounded fun, spirited, and not intimidating. Apple took the edge of the word 'computer', plus it would...

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A little girl robbed you?" Tessa said. "Actually, she wasn’t a little girl at all, as it turns out, but a midget in a dress with a penchant for violence, who goes by the name of Six-Fingered Nigel."...

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Tessa: "A little girl robbed you?" Will: "Actually, she wasn't a little girl at all, as it turns out, but a midget in a dress with a penchant for violence, who goes by the name Six-Fingered Nigel." Jem:"Easy...

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Rick Riordan

Tyson charged at the Cyclops leader, Ma Gasket, her chain-mail dress spattered with mud and decorated with broken spears. She gawked at Tyson and started to say, “Who—?” 463/508 Tyson hit her in...

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Clement Freud

The depressing thing about an Englishman's traditional love of animals is the dishonesty thereof ... Get a barbed hook into the upper lip of a salmon, drag him endlessly around the water until he loses...

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Eliezer Yudkowsky

If people got hit on the head by a baseball bat every week, pretty soon they would invent reasons why getting hit on the head with a baseball bat was a good thing.

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Herb Kelleher

You must be very patient, very persistent. The world isn't going to shower gold coins on you just because you have a good idea. You're going to have to work like crazy to bring that idea to the attention...

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Bret Easton Ellis

The seals stupidly dive off rocks into swirling black water, barking mindlessly. The zookeepers feed them dead fish. A crowd gathers around the tank, mostly adults, a few accompanied by children. On the...

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Carlos Ruiz Zafon

A writer never forgets the first time he accepted a few coins or a word of praise in exchange for a story. He will never forget the sweet poison of vanity in his blood and the belief that, if he succeeds...

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Vladimir Kramnik

Once he had selected the path he was going down he really had to stick with it in a 16 game match. He had to try and hit in the one direction but unfortunately for him - though fortunately for me! - he...

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Ralphie May

If you want to be called a dwarf you must be in immediate possession of a battle axe cause otherwise your just a midget with an attitude.

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Raymond Chandler

He snorted and hit me in the solar plexus. I bent over and took hold of the room with both hands and spun it. When I had it nicely spinning I gave it a full swing and hit myself on the back of the head...

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Milarepa

When you run after your thoughts, you are like a dog chasing a stick: every time a stick is thrown, you run after it. Instead, be like a lion who, rather than chasing after the stick, turns to face the...

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Claire was struggling through last summer’s diary volume when Myrnin popped in through the portal, wearing a big floppy black hat and a kind of crazy/stylish pimp coat that covered him from neck to ankles,...

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Scott Westerfeld

Dess shook her head. "Before he walked off, Rex said for you to wait. He said it's totally important you don't touch Angie until he comes back. and he said that if you were a pain about it, I get to hit...

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“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.”

― Dr. Seuss