Jay Leno quote

"It is said that life begins when the fetus can exist apart from its mother. By this definition, many people in Hollywood are legally dead."

Jay Leno

Born: April 28, 1950

Occupation: Comedian

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More quotes of Jay Leno

Jay Leno

If Jay spent as much time studying as he does trying to be a comedian, he'd be a big star.

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Jay Leno

Thousands of dead fish have now washed up on shore along the coast of South Carolina. Today the NRA said that this wouldn't have happened if those fish had guns.

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Jay Leno

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

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Jay Leno

It is said that life begins when the fetus can exist apart from its mother. By this definition, many people in Hollywood are legally dead.

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Jay Leno

Forty million Americans smoked marijuana; the only ones who didn’t like it were Judge Ginsberg, Clarence Thomas and Bill Clinton.

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Jay Leno

I feel bad for people who die on Valentine's Day. How much would flowers cost then, ten grand?

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Jay Leno

Bob Dole revealed he is one of the test subjects for Viagra. He said on Larry King, 'I wish I had bought stock in it.' Only a Republican would think the best part of Viagra is the fact that you could make...

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Jay Leno

Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street

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Jay Leno

At the Sharper Image store, I saw a body fat analyzer. Didn't that used to be called a mirror?

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Jay Leno

Your preoccupation should be on doing what you do as well as you can.

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Jay Leno

The Mayans have predicted the world is supposed to end on December 21. If the world doesn't end on December 21, you can bet the next day the malls will be overrun with Mayans trying to buy last-minute...

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Jay Leno

Soup is just a way of screwing you out of a meal.

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Jay Leno

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you've met your New Year's resolution.

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Jay Leno

Before we give the government any more money, show us some receipts.

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Jay Leno

According to a recent study, ten percent of 'Star Trek' fans meet the psychological criteria for addiction. Deprived of their favourite show, some Trekkies disply withdrawal symptoms similar to drug addicts....

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Jay Leno

If President Obama really wants to hurt the Syrian government, don't send cruise missiles. He should send over some of his economic advisers.

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Jay Leno

A lot of controversy over this possible invasion of Iraq. In fact, Nelson Mandela was so upset, he called Bush's dad. How embarrassing, when world leaders start calling your father.

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Jay Leno

According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.

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Jay Leno

Vice President Joe Biden said today that 'Syria must be held accountable.' Unfortunately, the Obama administration has never employed an accountant, so they have no idea how to do that.

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Jay Leno

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.

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Jay Leno

They say that most airline seats on planes today are meant for 170-pound passengers. The last time the average American weighed 170 pounds, the Wright Brothers were flying the plane.

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Jay Leno

Marriage is grand. Divorce is about twenty grand.

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Jay Leno

Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren't bad people; they're just acquaintances.

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Jay Leno

It is day two of the Democratic convention, and apparently they had a huge lighting problem in the convention hall today. They worked all day on it. They still couldn't get President Obama out of Bill...

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Jay Leno

According to a new UN report, the global warming outlook is much worse than originally predicted. Which is pretty bad, when they originally predicted it would destroy the planet.

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Jay Leno

Here is a very inexpensive costume idea. Wear a re-elect Obama button and go out as a journalist.

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Jay Leno

When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million new jobs, I didn't think they were all going to be tax collectors.

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Jay Leno

According to USA Today, 74 percent of Americans plan to hand out candy this Halloween. Although President Obama thinks it should be just the top 1 percent.

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Jay Leno

Scientists are complaining that the new dinosaur movie shows dinosaurs with lemurs, who didn't evolve for another million years. They're afraid the movie will give kids a mistaken impression. What about...

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Jay Leno

We pick politicians by how they look on TV and Miss America on where she stands on the issues. Isn't that a little backwards?

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Jay Leno

Congress voted for tougher laws on corporations. So now when a corporation buys a senator, they need a receipt.

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Jay Leno

The United States have developed a new weapon that destroys people but it leaves buildings standing. It's called the stock market.

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Jay Leno

The White House softball team played the pro-marijuana lobbyists' team and lost 25-3. Still no word yet on which side President Obama played for.

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Jay Leno

A new study says that working fewer hours can slow global warming. So you know what that means? President Obama's economic policy is also his climate change policy.

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Jay Leno

A new study found that people who are depressed have a greater risk of stroke. Well that should cheer them up.

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Jay Leno

As Miss America, my goal is to bring peace to the entire world and then get my own apartment.

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Jay Leno

Now, I have a Halloween mask I think you might get a kick out of. That's scary.

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Jay Leno

I'm glad the government has shut down. Think about it, for the first time in years it's safe to talk on the phone and send emails without anybody listening in.

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Jay Leno

President Obama said he is going to use the Gulf disaster to push a new energy bill through Congress. How about using the Gulf disaster to fix the Gulf disaster?

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Jay Leno

Clinton's pet Labrador, Buddy, is getting neutered. The dog will never have sex again. Overnight, they've turned Buddy from a Democrat into a Republican.

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Jay Leno

All I ask is that you tip your waiters and waitresses. We have to turn this situation around.

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Jay Leno

When did the government become our psycho ex-girlfriend

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Jay Leno

For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.

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Jay Leno

You know what's sad about this? Not the gambling, but the best way to reach college athletes is the Cartoon Network.

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Jay Leno

If you're a car salesman, and someone says "This is a terrible car, I'm not buying it," it doesn't mean they hate you. They just don't like your product. I think that's a mistake a lot of people in show...

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Jay Leno

Here at work, obviously, I make the most money of anyone on the show, so I try to be the first one here and the last one to leave. I have the crummiest office. I try to balance things out, spread it around.

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Jay Leno

Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag

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Jay Leno

Saddam Hussein also challenged President Bush to a debate. The Butcher of Baghdad vs. the Butcher of the English language.

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Jay Leno

If you give everybody a slice of pie, you will still have more than enough.

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Jay Leno

I'm trying to sum up President Obama's first 11 months in office. He gave billions to Wall Street, cracked down on illegal immigrants getting health care, and he's sending 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan....

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Jay Leno

If you think of life as like a big pie, you can try to hold the whole pie and kill yourself trying to keep it, or you can slice it up and give some to the people around you, and you still have plenty left...

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Jay Leno

In a groundbreaking move, the Associated Press, the largest news-gathering organization in the World, will no longer use the term 'illegal immigrant'. They will now use the phrase 'undocumented democrat'.

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Jay Leno

I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and...

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Jay Leno

A hiker who was lost in a blizzard said he stayed alive by digging a snow tunnel and burning dollar bills for warmth. Today he was offered a job as President Obama's economic adviser.

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Jay Leno

According to government auditors, the stimulus money is being held up because there aren't enough government workers to oversee the spending. So follow me, in other words, government workers who aren't...

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Jay Leno

Donald Trump says he’s President Obama’s worst nightmare. That’s not true. Having to make a decision is Obama’s worst nightmare.

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Jay Leno

A top geneticist at Stanford says human intelligence is declining. You know what that means? We are seeing Congress at its smartest and most effective right now.

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Jay Leno

Climate experts say we should tell villagers in developing countries to reduce the amount of cooking smoke they generate to help fix global warming. You know, it's as if these people don't hate us enough...

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Jay Leno

The report on climate change said that humans are very likely making the planet warmer. To which Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, can't blame me for that one.'

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Jay Leno

Former Vice President Al Gore starring in a new documentary about global warming. I believe it's called [Leno snores]. ... The film actually features Al Gore and explores his journey on how he first got...

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Jay Leno

President Bush said global warming is happening much quicker than he thought, and then his staff pulled him aside and said 'It's just springtime.'

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Jay Leno

Arnold Schwarzenegger is blaming man for global warming. And today, Al Gore agreed with him. That's so typical. Two cyborgs, 'Oh, let's blame the humans.'

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Jay Leno

Al Gore is coming out with a movie about global warming called ' An Inconvenient Truth. ' It's described as a detailed scientific view of global warming. President Bush said he just saw a film about global...

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Jay Leno

According to Time magazine, global warming is 33% worse than we thought. You know what that means? Al Gore is one-third more annoying than we thought.

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Jay Leno

They say if the warming trend continues, by 2015 Hillary Clinton might actually thaw out.

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Jay Leno

At a press conference yesterday NASA announced that 2005 was the hottest year on record. It is so hot, and global warming is so bad, if the presidential election were held today, Al Gore would still lose.

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Jay Leno

Heating bills this winter are the highest they've been in five years, but President Bush has a plan to combat rising bills. It's called global warming.

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Jay Leno

It seems that England's royal family is running out of money. They are down to just $1.6 million. Well sure, that's what happens when nobody in your family has had a job for the last thousand years.

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Jay Leno

A team of British lawyers has now concluded that the Declaration of Independence was illegal, and the American colonies had no right to secede from England. Well, you thought our court system was backed...

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Jay Leno

Today is April 1, April Fools' Day, a day that people try to fool their friends and relatives. Don't confuse that with April 15, when people try to fool the IRS.

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Jay Leno

Sarah Palin has admitted she tried marijuana several years ago, but she did not like it. She said it distorted her perceptions, impaired her thinking, and she's hoping that the effects will eventually...

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Jay Leno

Here's an interesting figure: 43 percent of the incoming congressional freshmen are millionaires. The other 57 percent are Democrats.

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Jay Leno

We live in what's called an open society, which of course means they open our emails, open our phone records, and open our medical records.

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Jay Leno

President Obama admitted this week that a former girlfriend that he wrote about in his autobiography was made up and not a real person . . . So Obama had an imaginary girlfriend. Big deal! He had an imaginary...

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Jay Leno

Rick Santorum is so conservative; he thinks KY Jelly is jam made in Kentucky.

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Jay Leno

Casey Anthony was found not guilty. This means that President Obama’s economic team is only the second-most clueless group in America.

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Jay Leno

President Obama announced this week that he is going to start sending out his own messages personally on Twitter. And today Anthony Weiner said, “It’s a trap, don’t do it!” But President Obama’s...

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Jay Leno

President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner played golf this weekend. Obama’s handicap is Joe Biden.

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Jay Leno

President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner have agreed to play a round of golf together. Imagine the two of them at the end of that golf game? Boehner will be crying over his score and Obama will be...

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Jay Leno

The White House says that the unemployment rate is good news because it means more people are looking for jobs. More good news like that, and everyone at the White House will be looking for jobs.

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Jay Leno

President Obama told the Irish people that America will always stand by them, to which Israel laughed.

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Jay Leno

Romney raised $10 million. That’s a dollar for every position he’s had on healthcare.

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Jay Leno

Saddam Hussein is dead, and Osama bin Laden is dead. If you’re Moammar Gadhafi, living in exile is starting to sound really good.

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Jay Leno

The United States is sending its most powerful drone to Libya. That’s a long trip for Joe Biden.

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Jay Leno

Ex-convicts prepared the eggs for the White House’s Easter Egg Roll. It’s nice to see the White House reaching out to former members of Congress.

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Jay Leno

Another air traffic controller fell asleep on the job, but he had a good excuse. He was watching President Obama’s deficit speech.

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Jay Leno

President Obama’s approval ratings are so low now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States.

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Jay Leno

Congratulation s to Rahm Emanuel on being elected mayor of Chicago. His first order of business after taking office will be to actually move to Chicago.

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Jay Leno

The price of oil is rising because of all the unrest in the Middle East. And the unrest in Wisconsin is causing the price of cheese to go through the roof.

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Jay Leno

It’s being reported that the economy lost 95,000 jobs in September. And that’s just people leaving the White House.

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Jay Leno

President Obama said he plans on training 10,000 new math and science teachers. How about teaching math to that economic team of his?

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Jay Leno

A petition to have Justin Bieber deported got over 100,000 signatures, which means the White House now has to legally rule on it. So finally a chance for Obama to issue an executive order that both Republicans...

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Jay Leno

President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have a good health care plan, and they can have a free and...

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Jay Leno

Saddam Hussein has raised the amount going to suicide bombers from $10 thousand dollars to $25 thousand. What's next, a health care plan?

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Jay Leno

I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give up the idea. I'm only six feet tall, so I couldn't play basketball. I'm only 190 pounds, so I couldn't play football, and I have...

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Jay Leno

This problem with illegal immigration is nothing new. In fact, the Indians had a special name for it. They called it "white people."

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Jay Leno

America needs ObamaCare like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.

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Jay Leno

New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.

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Jay Leno

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.

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Jay Leno

A survey says that American workers work the first three hours every day just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers.

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Jay Leno

Ambition beats genius 99% of the time

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Jay Leno

President Bush spent the day calling names he couldn't pronounce in countries he never knew existed.

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Jay Leno

Thanksgiving, when the Indians said, "Well, this has been fun, but we know you have a long voyage back to England".

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Jay Leno

Facebook has revealed their estimated net worth - $96 billion. That's almost as much money as businesses lose every year from their employees wasting time looking at Facebook.

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Jay Leno

First there's the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then the wedding ring... soon after... comes Suffer...ring!

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Jay Leno

President Obama is currently on a week-long trip to Africa, where he will promote freedom, democracy, and economic opportunity. I guess he figured it hasn't worked here - so try it somewhere else.

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Jay Leno

Today is February 14th - St. Valentine's day. Women call it Love day, while men name it as Extortion day.

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Jay Leno

The IRS said today anyone with a refund coming from their 2001 taxes will lose it if they don't pick it up by April 15th. If it is more then three years they will just keep it. How come it doesn't work...

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Jay Leno

Yesterday President Obama said, 'We can't continue to treat tax money like monopoly money.' Oh really - how come all those guys on Wall Street got 'get out of jail free' cards?

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Jay Leno

President Obama has begun a three-state bus tour. I believe the three states are: Confusion, Delusion, and Desperation.

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Jay Leno

I like cars that are ahead of their times, and that were noble failures because they were built to a higher standard than the consumer needed. Cars like the Wills Sainte Claire or the Duesenberg.

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Jay Leno

Corporations complained about [safety] regulations, but let's face it, people walk away from accidents now that would have killed them when I was a kid

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Jay Leno

I believe engineers will save the world.

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Jay Leno

I was born the day I got my license. When I was a kid, if I wanted to go somewhere and see things, you have to get in your car and actually go.

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Jay Leno

The car was the iPhone of the 20th century. Kids these days don't have to drive anymore. They just go there virtually.

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Jay Leno

Anybody who gives their car to a valet isn't a car guy

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Jay Leno

If there isn't a parking space out front or I can't see my car from the window, we're eating somewhere else.

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Jay Leno

Regulations force people to do better.

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Jay Leno

When you work with your hands, you learn to appreciate how easy it is to earn money talking.

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Jay Leno

Show business is like Champagne. You'll appreciate it more if you don't drink it everyday

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Jay Leno

Today, you get better performance from a Ford Focus than a Ferrari from the mid-70s. [The Focus] is just as fast and with better fuel economy. It's fun to see supercar technology trickle down to everyday...

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Jay Leno

When you fix something with your hands it gives you a sense of accomplishment and a sense of self worth.

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Jay Leno

You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.

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Jay Leno

Thanksgiving began in 1621 when Native Americans sat down with a bunch of undocumented pilgrims. They had dinner and the pilgrims never left.

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Jay Leno

You know what you call the two winners of that $580 million PowerBall lottery? ... Former Democrats

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Jay Leno

President Obama flew to a rally in Las Vegas last night. However, he did not visit any of the casinos. You know why? When you're $16 trillion in debt, they don't let you in.

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Jay Leno

Well, 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' is back - not for gays in the military. It's President Obama's new policy for questions about Libya. Don't ask, don't tell.

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Jay Leno

Chris Christie won by such a wide margin that pundits say this will give him the impetus he needs to run for president. And he's got a new slogan: 'Put the oval in the Oval Office.'

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Jay Leno

Yesterday all five living presidents gathered for the opening of the George W. Bush presidential library in Dallas. Well, six living presidents if you count Hillary in 2016.

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Jay Leno

President Obama is asking Congress to support a military strike in Syria. If they approve, it will be the first time Congress has officially declared war since Obamacare.

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Jay Leno

President Obama was in India yesterday visiting our jobs. Tomorrow he goes to China to visit our money.

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Jay Leno

We're heading for a gov. shutdown. This is serious. W/o the gov who will fail to inspect our airplanes? Who will fail to secure our borders? Who will put us 14 trillion dollars in debt?

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Jay Leno

A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it one person at a time.

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Jay Leno

Bill Maher and I are on against each other, and we're friends. He can do my show any time he wants, and I've done Politically Incorrect several times. There's no reason to think competition has to be adversarial.

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Jay Leno

President Obama is coming under criticism now for not meeting with his jobs council. He hasn't met with his jobs council in over six months. You know the reason Obama hasn't met with his job council in...

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Jay Leno

Neural scientists at M.I.T. say they can plant false memories in your brain. No, that is not new. Politicians have been doing that for years. They’re called campaign promises.

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Jay Leno

One of President Obama's winning points last night was about how sanctions against Iran are crippling their economy. And believe me, if anyone knows how to cripple an economy, it's President Obama.

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Jay Leno

According to The New York Times, more than half of President Obama's Twitter followers are fake. They don't even exist. Which is actually a good thing because if they did exist there wouldn't be any jobs...

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Jay Leno

The White House is now urging Americans not to 'read too much' into last week's jobs report. In fact, they said it would be best if you didn't read it at all.

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Jay Leno

Yesterday morning Facebook was temporarily offline, leaving millions of workers unable to do anything except their jobs.

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Jay Leno

In Greece, the unemployment rate has risen to 22%. The solution to the problem was to raise taxes on the rich, according to the Greek president Barack Obama-opolis.

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Jay Leno

President Obama signed a bill preventing members of Congress from profiting from insider trading. Didn't you think that was already illegal?

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Jay Leno

Oh, here's your tax dollars at work. This is what makes people furious. The head of the GSA, a woman named Martha Johnson, has resigned after they found out she spent over $830,000 on a four-day government...

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Jay Leno

The FCC is considering lifting the ban on cellphone calls on planes. The good news is you'll be able to make calls during your flight. The bad news? The person sitting next to you will be able to make...

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Jay Leno

Researchers at Harvard say that taking a power nap for an hour in the afternoon can totally refresh you. They say that by the time you wake up you'll feel so good, you'll be able to start looking for a...

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Jay Leno

Scientists say they have developed a car that can run on water. The only catch is, the water has to come from the Gulf of Mexico.

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Jay Leno

Texas governor Rick Perry said God is calling on him to run for President. But Michele Bachmann said that god is calling on her to run for President. You know, if God is that indecisive, he's probably...

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Jay Leno

The IRS says it's been getting death threats since the health care bill passed because the IRS is going to be the ones in charge of implementing it. They say the threats people are making to the IRS are...

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Jay Leno

I've lost some weight. I am on that new Obama diet. Every day I let Vladimir Putin eat my lunch.

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Jay Leno

According to The Washington Post, the NSA has been monitoring phone calls and emails of people in Mexico. So apparently it's not enough to spy on American citizens, they feel they have to spy on FUTURE...

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Jay Leno

In an interview with Univision, President Obama said if there's one thing he's learned, it's that you can't change Washington from within. So what is he saying - that if we want real change, we should...

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Jay Leno

Mitt Romney is predicting that as president, he will create 12 million jobs in his first term. Well, President Obama says a Romney presidency would result in lost jobs. Yeah, his and Biden's.

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Jay Leno

Having a life is easy. Having a career is hard to come by.

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Jay Leno

According to federal reports filed yesterday, the Obama campaign spent more money than they raised in the month of May. They spent more money than they raised? Well, that's called being a Democrat

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Jay Leno

With the presidential debates right around the corner, John Kerry is going to play Mitt Romney to help the President prepare for the debates. That's kind of a stretch; a rich white guy from Massachusetts...

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Jay Leno

In Chicago some anti-Mitt Romney protesters told reporters they're being paid to protest. They said they're being paid by Democrats to stand outside and chant anti-Romney slogans. Well, who says President...

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Jay Leno

President Obama released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. You know what that means? Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama.

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Jay Leno

A dead body was discovered this week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth. The queen said today she hopes this serves as a reminder to anybody on her staff that there is a right...

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Jay Leno

How many are worried about a government shutdown? How many are more worried about it starting back up?

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Jay Leno

A Democratic congressman said that he worries that the IRS scandal might have a chilling effect on the IRA and that they might be afraid to audit people. So finally some good is coming out of all of this.

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Jay Leno

President Obama's re-election campaign said that this year they'll knock on 150 percent more doors than they did in 2008. Well, of course they will. They have to. There's so many foreclosures it's tough...

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Jay Leno

President Obama was in Disney World today where he unveiled his new plan to create jobs. He was joined by Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse but not Goofy. He had to stay behind to tend to his vice presidential...

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Jay Leno

President Obama will be going to Disney World where he'll unveil his new plan to create jobs. And what better place for the president to talk about his jobs plan than Fantasyland?

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Jay Leno

After saying the jobs bill is paid for, President Obama now says that it will be paid for by raising taxes over 10 years. I can't figure out if he's the kind of guy who makes infomercials, or the kind...

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Jay Leno

According to the latest L.A. Times poll, 75% of Californians believe the country is headed in the wrong direction. And 60% of Californians are so disillusioned, they're thinking about moving back to Mexico.

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Jay Leno

We're fighting three wars now. Imagine how many we'd be fighting if President Obama hadn't won the Nobel Peace Prize.

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Jay Leno

President Obama said in an interview over the weekend that he really misses being anonymous. He said, 'I miss Saturday mornings rolling out of bed and not shaving, going to the market...' Be careful what...

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Jay Leno

Obama called on Americans to have more grandchildren. Probably so there's more of them to pay off our debt.

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Jay Leno

If it turns out that the Mayans are right and the world is going to end, you know what this means? Lindsay Lohan is a genius. She's been partying her brains out. She owes taxes. She’s crashing cars....

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Jay Leno

According to a new book coming out by a Pulitzer Prize-winning author, apparently when he was in high school, President Obama smoked large amounts of marijuana. You know what that means? He could be our...

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Jay Leno

Ashcroft went on to say that our way of life is being threatened by a group of radical religious fanatics who are armed and dangerous. And then he called for prayers in the schools and an end to gun control.

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Jay Leno

Barack Obama said today that politics has become too gummed up by money and influence ... and then he had to leave to attend a fundraiser.

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Jay Leno

Contact with the customer is what business is all about.

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Jay Leno

When President Chirac gave [President] Bush a souvenir statue of the Eiffel Tower... Bush said 'This is great! A little oil rig!'

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Jay Leno

The Senate is now considering increasing government subsidies for corn growers to produce more ethanol. If we produce enough ethanol we can postpone our next invasion of a Middle Eastern country for two...

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Jay Leno

As we head to war with Iraq, President Bush wants to make one thing clear: This war is not about oil. It's about gasoline.

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Jay Leno

According to a survey in this week's Time magazine, 85% of Americans think global warming is happening. The other 15% work for the White House.

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Jay Leno

You know what they say when a supermodel gets pregnant? Now she's eating for one.

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Jay Leno

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

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Jay Leno

Changing the story until you believe it.

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Jay Leno

If I have one advantage, it's that I will try to work harder than the next guy.

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Jay Leno

The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.

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Jay Leno

The worst thing about losing this job: I’m no longer covered by NBC. I have to sign up for ObamaCare.

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Jay Leno

It's casual Friday, which means that at the White House, they're casually going through everybody's phone calls and records.

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Jay Leno

Fox News has changed its slogan from 'Fair and Balanced' to 'See, I told you so!'

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Jay Leno

Really? Anyone intimidated by Barack Obama? He can't even keep Joe Biden in line.

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Jay Leno

These White House scandals are not going away anytime soon. People in Kenya are now saying he's 100 percent American. That's how bad it's gotten.

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Jay Leno

The first lady said about her husband, 'I could take up a whole afternoon talking about his failures.' And today she was offered her own show on Fox News.

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Jay Leno

Did you hear that we're writing Iraq's new Constitution? Why not just give them ours? We're not using it anymore.

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Jay Leno

In business news, chocolate maker nestle is buying Jenny Craig. Well, that says it all you need to know about the war on obesity, doesn't it? It's over! Apparently we surrendered!

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Jay Leno

According to the British Journal of Psychiatry, marijuana can cause panic attacks. I don't know . . . The only time I have ever seen a marijuana user look panicky is when they are out of marijuana.

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Jay Leno

Sen. Joe Biden, on the day of announcing his candidacy for president of the United States, called Barack Obama the first mainstream African-American who is articulate, bright, and . . . clean. I think...

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Jay Leno

Stephen Hawking is getting a divorce. That's scary. If the smartest guy in the world can't figure out women, we're screwed.

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Jay Leno

CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts: regular, premium and unleaded.

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Jay Leno

In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the beginning of the end of the Bush administration. I agree. Sure, it may take another five years, but this is it.

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Jay Leno

Big scandal on the new 'Survivor' series. The white, the black and the Hispanic teams were caught cheating off the Asian team.

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Jay Leno

There's this big pie in show business, and you physically can't eat the whole pie. If you give everybody a slice of pie, you will still have more than enough. The real trick is not to try to get the whole...

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Jay Leno

The hot gossip in Washington is that Condoleezza Rice might have a new boyfriend. Secretary of State Rice is being linked to Canada's Foreign Minister, Peter MacKay. It's gotta be awkward dating a fellow...

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Jay Leno

General Colin Powell shocked a lot of people in Washington by speaking out against President Bush's policies, saying that the world is beginning to doubt the moral basis of our fight against terrorism....

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Jay Leno

Hillary Clinton's opponent in the U.S. Senate race, the Republican she's going to be running against, has been married three times, had an affair with his chief of staff, had two kids with her while still...

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Jay Leno

Astronomers have discovered a planet that is twice the size of earth and made of diamonds. President Obama says the planet may be inhabited by aliens not paying their fair share.

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Jay Leno

A fitness instructor in Maine has been charged with running a prostitution business out of her Zumba dance studio. Authorities first got suspicious when they saw guys going to work out at a Zumba dance...

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Jay Leno

Anthony Weiner and his wife, Huma, have given birth to a baby boy. He posted a photo of the new baby on Twitter, but people are afraid to open it.

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Jay Leno

A survey released today found that men spend twice as much on their mistresses for Christmas as they do on their wives. On the other hand, men spend half their income on the wives when the wife finds out...

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Jay Leno

As they do every year, al-Qaida has threatened to disrupt and ruin Christmas. You know, we already have a group that disrupts and ruins Christmas every year. They're called relatives.

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Jay Leno

The FDA is now warning people not to eat raw cookie dough this holiday season. Is that how fat we're getting in this country? Our ovens are too slow now?

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Jay Leno

When Rick Perry was told about Kim Jong Il, he said, 'I never heard of him, but then again, I don't listen to that rap.'

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Jay Leno

A student at the University of Wisconsin in Madison spent 90 days technology free. He went without a cell phone, Facebook, Twitter, or any social media of any kind. And you know what really improved? His...

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Jay Leno

San Francisco hosted the first medical marijuana job fair. The keynote speech was titled, 'Jobs and How to Avoid Getting One.'

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Jay Leno

Over 6 million people were evacuated from New Jersey ahead of the hurricane. And now, three of them have gone back.

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Jay Leno

They had so much rain in New York that a lot of the cabbies had their first shower in years.

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Jay Leno

I was going to start off tonight with an Obama joke, but I don't want to get audited by the IRS.

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Jay Leno

When you do late-night TV, you do different jokes in the same place every night. When you're on the road as a comedian, you do the same jokes in a different place every night.

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Jay Leno

How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?

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Jay Leno

Republicans are calling the Bush-Cheney ticket the 'Wizard of Oz' ticket. One needs a heart and the other needs a brain.

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Jay Leno

A Christmas tree--the perfect gift for a guy. The plant is already dead.

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Jay Leno

McDonald's announced that it's considering a more humane way of slaughtering its animals. You know they fatten them up and then kill them. You know the same thing they do to their customers, isn't it?

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Jay Leno

Women get a little more excited about New Year's Eve than men do. It's like an excuse: you drink too much, you make a lot of promises you're not going to keep; the next morning as soon as you wake up you...

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Jay Leno

With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we...

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Jay Leno

A man in Florida has been arrested for wearing a President Obama mask while robbing a McDonald's. To show you how good this guy's disguise was, instead of a holdup note he was reading from a teleprompter.

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Jay Leno

The games haven't even started yet and already there are people complaining about the horrible accommodations at the Sochi Olympic village. Toilets don't flush. The faucets spew discolored water. They...

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Jay Leno

The Olympics start on Friday, and Russia is implementing the most intensive security in Olympics history. During the games, the government will monitor every email, every social media message, and listen...

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Jay Leno

"I am not just another notch on your belt?" she asked him. "Of course not." he said as he put a mark on the chalkboard.

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Jay Leno

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

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Jay Leno

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

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Jay Leno

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

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Jay Leno

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

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Jay Leno

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

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Jay Leno

CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.

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Jay Leno

For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza!

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Jay Leno

The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it - they're the ones falling down the most.

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Jay Leno

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, 'I'd like some fries.' The girl at the counter said, 'Would you like some fries with that?'

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Jay Leno

If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.

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Jay Leno

Major league baseball has asked its players to stop tossing baseballs into the stands during games, because they say fans fight over them and they get hurt. In fact, the Florida Marlins said that's why...

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Jay Leno

The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.

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Jay Leno

Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors.

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Jay Leno

If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.

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Jay Leno

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

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Jay Leno

I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder.

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Jay Leno

Politics is just show business for ugly people.

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Jay Leno

You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.

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Jay Leno

I didn't realize it was October until I saw the Chicago Cubs choking.

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Jay Leno

I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for 'Running off to Canada.'

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Jay Leno

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

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Jay Leno

In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously.

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Jay Leno

My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic?

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Jay Leno

The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up.

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Jay Leno

The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular.

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Jay Leno

Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night's Democratic debate.

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Jay Leno

Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference.

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Jay Leno

According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it.

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Jay Leno

Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of L.A. in the next election. Remember the good 'ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers.

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Jay Leno

Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.

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Jay Leno

Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.

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Jay Leno

More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy - he's one of their own.

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Jay Leno

Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together. You know what that means? There's still hope for Ike and Tina Turner.

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Jay Leno

Sixty years ago this week Hitler invaded Poland. This led to the creation of The History Channel.

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Jay Leno

USA Today reports that the number of death row executions this year has hit a 35-year low. They attribute that to DNA evidence clearing more people and the fact that Rick Perry has been on the road campaigning.

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Jay Leno

President Obama had lunch with Republican leaders at the White House today and had to do without salt, pepper and butter. Not for dietary reasons. The Republicans refused to pass anything.

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Jay Leno

Form 1040 was chosen by the IRS because for every $50 you earn, you get 10 and they get 40.

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Jay Leno

The Senate voted 97-0 for an anti-spam bill to stop those annoying things you get on your computer. The senators made it very clear that when you start misleading the American people and start taking their...

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Jay Leno

As you may have heard, the U.S. is putting together a constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? Think about it - it was written by very smart people, it's served us well for over two hundred...

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Jay Leno

President Bush said it's now time for a change in Iraq and he wants them to have a Western-style democracy like ours. So right now in Iraq, the economy is collapsing, businessmen are corrupt, and Hussein...

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Jay Leno

Diet Coke with lemon - didn't that used to be called Pledge?

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Jay Leno

America Online customers are upset because the company has decided to allow advertising in its chat rooms. I can see why: you got computer sex, you can download pornography, people are making dates with...

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Jay Leno

In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president.

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Jay Leno

In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets rid of Saddam Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with food, medicine, supplies, housing, education - anything that's needed. Isn't that amazing?...

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Related quote

Jay Leno

It is said that life begins when the fetus can exist apart from its mother. By this definition, many people in Hollywood are legally dead.

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Arthur Schopenhauer

The actual life of a thought lasts only until it reaches the point of speech...As soon as our thinking has found words it ceases to be sincere...When it begins to exist in others it ceases to live in us,...

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Susan Minot

Hope is a terrible thing, she said. Is it? Yes, it keep you living in another place, a place which doesn't exist. For some people it's better than where they are. For many it's a relief. From life, she...

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Craig Kielburger

I feel strongly that Mother Teresa’s life has a great message for young people. We so often feel powerless to do anything about the many problems in the world around us. We are so often left to wonder...

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Richard G. Scott

All who are caught in its seductive, tantalizing web and remain so will become addicted to its immoral, destructive influence. For many, that addiction cannot be overcome without help. The tragic pattern...

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Swami Vivekananda

. . . it is difficult for Europeans to appreciate the sentiment. Other nations kill animals by wholesale and kill one another; they exist in a sea of blood. A European said that the reason why in India...

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Pierre Bourdieu

I would simply ask why so many critics, so many writers, so many philosophers take such satisfaction in professing that the experience of a work of art is ineffable, that it escapes by definition all rational...

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Ian Cawsey

I once visited an RSPCA hospital in Norfolk. I spoke to the vets working there, and asked them how many times they had had to treat a fox that had been brought in with a shooting injury. The answer from...

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Soren Kierkegaard

This is what is sad when one contemplates human life, that so many live out their lives in quiet lostness... they live, as it were, away from themselves and vanish like shadows. Their immortal souls are...

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Paul Kurtz

We have never denied that it is possible, indeed probable, that other forms of life, even intelligent life, exist in the universe. But this is different from the belief that we are now being visited by...

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Richard J. Evans

Visiting the Holocaust Memorial Museum in Washington, D.C., for example, I was struck by its marginalization of any other victims apart from the Jews, to the extent that it presented photographs of dead...

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Huston Smith

Modernity sees humanity as having ascended from what is inferior to it - life begins in slime and ends in intelligence - whereas traditional cultures see it as descended from its superiors. As the anthropologist...

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Eckhart Tolle

I don't want it to end, and so, as every therapist knows, the ego does not want an end to its “problems” because they are part of its identity. If no one will listen to my sad story, I can tell it...

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William P. Young

If you and I are friends, there is an expectancy that exists within our relationship. When we see each other or are apart, there is an expectancy of being together, of laughing and talking. The expectancy...

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John Calvin

For the fetus, though enclosed in the womb of its mother, is already a human being, and it is a monstrous crime to rob it of the life which it has not yet begun to enjoy. If it seems more horrible to kill...

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Billy Graham

When we live apart from God, our lives get out of tune - out of harmony with others and with God. But if we live in tune with the Master, we, too, will find ourselves surrounded by His beautiful music....

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Theodore Levitt

The oil industry is a stunning example of how science, technology, and mass production can divert an entire group of companies from their main task. ... No oil company gets as excited about the customers...

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Robert Adams

The only things that distinguish the photographer from everybody else are his pictures: they alone are the basis for our special interest in him. If pictures cannot be understood without knowing details...

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Gordon B. Hinckley

Perhaps our greatest concern is with families. The family is falling apart all over the world. The old ties that bound together father and mother and children are breaking everywhere. We must face this...

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John Green

Always' was a promise! How can you just break the promise?" "Sometimes people don't always understand the promises they're making when they make them," I said. Isaac shot me a look. "Right, of course....

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Ajahn Brahm

When life is good do not take it for granted as it will pass. Be mindful, be compassionate and nurture the circumstances that find you in this good time so it will last longer. When life falls apart always...

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“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.”

― Dr. Seuss