George Carlin quote

"Christians worship a dead Jew on a stick"

George Carlin

Born: May 12, 1937

Die: June 22, 2008

Occupation: Comedian

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More quotes of George Carlin

George Carlin

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

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George Carlin

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

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George Carlin

Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.

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George Carlin

I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

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George Carlin

The larger the group, the more toxic, the more of your beauty as an individual you have to surrender for the sake of group thought. And when you suspend your individual beauty you also give up a lot of...

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George Carlin

It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.

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George Carlin

There's this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn't want you to do, and you'll burn for a long time if you do them. But he loves you.

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George Carlin

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.

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George Carlin

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

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George Carlin

You take 5 white guys and you take 5 black guys and put em together for a week and what you won't have is 5 blacks guys talking like, 'Golly gee, we really won that big basketball game' but you will have...

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George Carlin

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

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George Carlin

How old are you? 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

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George Carlin

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

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George Carlin

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

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George Carlin

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

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George Carlin

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

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George Carlin

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

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George Carlin

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

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George Carlin

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

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George Carlin

If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.

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George Carlin

I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him.

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George Carlin

Tits always look better in a pink sweater.

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George Carlin

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

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George Carlin

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

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George Carlin

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

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George Carlin

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

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George Carlin

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

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George Carlin

You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people... I do... I like people, but I like them in short bursts. I don't like people for extended periods of time. I'm...

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George Carlin

The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.

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George Carlin

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

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George Carlin

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

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George Carlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

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George Carlin

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

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George Carlin

Politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don't.

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George Carlin

I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent...

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George Carlin

Life is tough, then you die.

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George Carlin

I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.

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George Carlin

I use the word 'fat'. I use that word because that's what people are: they're fat. They're not bulky; they're not large, chunky, hefty or plump. And they're not big-boned. Dinosaurs were big-boned. These...

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George Carlin

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

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George Carlin

No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have...

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George Carlin

Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to...

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George Carlin

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

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George Carlin

This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who...

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George Carlin

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.

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George Carlin

How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?

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George Carlin

Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.

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George Carlin

There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.

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George Carlin

Here's a phrase that apparently the airlines simply made up: near miss. They say that if 2 planes almost collide, it's a near miss. Bullshit, my friend. It's a near hit! A collision is a near miss. [WHAM!...

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George Carlin

I was looking in the mirror the other day and I realized I haven't changed much since I was in my twenties. The only difference is I look a whole lot older now.

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George Carlin

I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.

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George Carlin

George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.

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George Carlin

I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same fifty percent rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time...

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George Carlin

Pardon me I've got nothing to say.

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George Carlin

I'm 60 years of age. That's 16 Celsius.

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George Carlin

I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.

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George Carlin

If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to...

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George Carlin

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

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George Carlin

I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!

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George Carlin

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

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George Carlin

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.

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George Carlin

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

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George Carlin

Surround yourself with what you love.

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George Carlin

Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.

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George Carlin

And, of course, the funniest food of all, kumquats.

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George Carlin

The god excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.

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George Carlin

What do dogs do on their day off?; Can't lie around – that's their job!

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George Carlin

Censorship that comes from the outside assumes about people an inability to make reasoned choices.

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George Carlin

Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

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George Carlin

We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

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George Carlin

Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big.

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George Carlin

Jesus was a cross-dresser.

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George Carlin

The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.

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George Carlin

People think life is real complicated. Actually, there's nothing to it. Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.

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George Carlin

E-I-E-I-O is actually a gross misspelling of the word farm.

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George Carlin

When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.

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George Carlin

I'm never critical or judgmental about whether or not a movie is any good. The way I look at it, if several hundred people got together every day for a year or so - a number of then willing to put on heavy...

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George Carlin

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here are a few I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."; "Drinking will...

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George Carlin

Tonight's forecast: DARK. Continued mostly dark tonight, turning to wildly scattered light in the morning

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George Carlin

Like on the airlines, they say they want to 'pre-board'. Well, what the hell is 'pre board'? What does that mean? To get on before you get on?

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George Carlin

Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking

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George Carlin

I think of shock as kind of an uptown form of surprise. Comedy is filled with surprise, so when I cross a line... I like to find out where the line might be and then cross it deliberately, and then make...

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George Carlin

Now, some people do this for shock value. Shock is just another uptown word for surprise. Granted it has a different quality to it, but a joke is about surprising someone. I'm a great believer in context....

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George Carlin

When you're born in this world you're given a ticket to the Freak Show. And when you're born in America, you're given a front row seat. And some of us get to sit there with notebooks.

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George Carlin

Things I wonder about the FBI's list of the "Ten Most Wanted" criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off the list, does number eleven automatically move up? And does he see it as a promotion? Does...

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George Carlin

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

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George Carlin

The radio ad "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't". Well, I hope you don't drive sober either Mr. Healey. You're blind for God's sake!

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George Carlin

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?

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George Carlin

We are all precancerous.

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George Carlin

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!

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George Carlin

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

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George Carlin

Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

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George Carlin

Regarding jam sessions: Jazz musicians are the only workers I can think of who are willing to put in a full shift for pay and then go somewhere else and continue to work for free.

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George Carlin

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

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George Carlin

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

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George Carlin

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

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George Carlin

How is it possible to have a civil war?

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George Carlin

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably...

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George Carlin

People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or...

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George Carlin

If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.

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George Carlin

There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.

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George Carlin

Why is there so much controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who would be willing to test any drug they could come up with

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George Carlin

The secret of success is doing something you love, doing it well and being recognized for it

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George Carlin

To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for the existence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. Probably far more. At least in the case of UFOs there have been countless taped...

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George Carlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

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George Carlin

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

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George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

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George Carlin

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

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George Carlin

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

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George Carlin

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job...

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George Carlin

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

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George Carlin

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

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George Carlin

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

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George Carlin

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

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George Carlin

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

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George Carlin

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

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George Carlin

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

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George Carlin

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

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George Carlin

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

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George Carlin

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

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George Carlin

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

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George Carlin

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

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George Carlin

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

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George Carlin

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

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George Carlin

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

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George Carlin

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

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George Carlin

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

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George Carlin

Always do whatever's next.

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George Carlin

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

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George Carlin

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

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George Carlin

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

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George Carlin

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

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George Carlin

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

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George Carlin

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

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George Carlin

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

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George Carlin

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

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George Carlin

When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

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George Carlin

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

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George Carlin

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

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George Carlin

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

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George Carlin

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

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George Carlin

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

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George Carlin

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

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George Carlin

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

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George Carlin

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

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George Carlin

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

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George Carlin

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

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George Carlin

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

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George Carlin

Religion is just mind control.

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George Carlin

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

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George Carlin

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

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George Carlin

The status quo sucks.

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George Carlin

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

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George Carlin

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

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George Carlin

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

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George Carlin

Cancer research is a growth industry.

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George Carlin

They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.

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George Carlin

I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.

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George Carlin

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

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George Carlin

Religion has what is EASILY the greatest bullshit story of all time.

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George Carlin

Life is a near-death experience.

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George Carlin

I find it discouraging - and a bit depressing - when I notice the unequal treatment afforded by the media to UFO believers on the one hand, and on the other, to those who believe in an invisible supreme...

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George Carlin

Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason

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George Carlin

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.

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George Carlin

You know what they want? They want obedient workers. Obedient workers, people who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork. And just dumb enough to passively accept all these increasingly...

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George Carlin

We spend the early years feeding our brains with information and the latter half trying not to think about it all.

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George Carlin

Next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.'

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George Carlin

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

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George Carlin

I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have a label. I feel that if I was figuratively dropped on the Earth and there was a political line,...

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George Carlin

No, there's no God, but there might be some sort of an organizing intelligence, and I think to understand it is way beyond our ability. It's certainly not a judgmental entity. It's certainly not paternalistic...

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George Carlin

A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.

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George Carlin

I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and...

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George Carlin

My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me.

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George Carlin

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch tv too much. We have multiplied our...

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George Carlin

Life is a series of dogs.

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George Carlin

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years.

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George Carlin

Your home is your refuge.

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George Carlin

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

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George Carlin

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.

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George Carlin

Hallucinogens are a value changer...like it or not, it changes your values, it opens up windows (doors of perception.)

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George Carlin

hard work is a misleading term. physical effort & long hours do not constitute hard work. hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. anytime you'd rather be doing...

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George Carlin

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

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George Carlin

There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.

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George Carlin

It's not in the mainstream media yet, but the biggest jump in skin cancer has occurred since the advent of sunscreens. That kind of thing makes me happy. The fact that people, in pursuit of a superficial...

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George Carlin

I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie.

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George Carlin

There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.

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George Carlin

Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.

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George Carlin

I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.

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George Carlin

The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

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George Carlin

In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who 'don't know.' What isn't generally understood is that it's the same people in every poll.

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George Carlin

She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across.

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George Carlin

Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.

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George Carlin

I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same...

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George Carlin

The symphony orchestra had played poorly, so the conductor was in a bad mood. That night he beat his wife--because the music hadn't been beautiful enough.

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George Carlin

The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.

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George Carlin

I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.

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George Carlin

I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.

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George Carlin

A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, 'Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done.

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George Carlin

I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.

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George Carlin

I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's...

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George Carlin

And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.

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George Carlin

It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually,...

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George Carlin

Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.

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George Carlin

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

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George Carlin

I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.

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George Carlin

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.

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George Carlin

Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

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George Carlin

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror.

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George Carlin

The highly motivated people in society are the ones causing all the trouble. It's not the lazy unmotivated folks sitting in front of a TV eating potato chips who bother anyone.

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George Carlin

Sometimes guys'll say to you, 'Have a good one'. I say, 'I already have a good one. Now I'm looking for a longer one'.

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George Carlin

People can't seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure. Ever. There is only a short pause before the next "horrifying" event. People forget there is such a thing as...

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George Carlin

History is not happenstance: it is conspiratorial. Carefully planned and executed by people in power.

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George Carlin

When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not agnostic. I'm an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.

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George Carlin

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!

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George Carlin

I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow.

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George Carlin

You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

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George Carlin

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

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George Carlin

No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.

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George Carlin

If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.

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George Carlin

Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, "You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala."

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George Carlin

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

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George Carlin

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.

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George Carlin

If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party.

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George Carlin

I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.

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George Carlin

Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

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George Carlin

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.

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George Carlin

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

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George Carlin

Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.

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George Carlin

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

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George Carlin

I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

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George Carlin

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.

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George Carlin

If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense? What year did Jesus think it was?

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George Carlin

Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

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George Carlin

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

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George Carlin

Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.

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George Carlin

One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.

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George Carlin

No one who has had "Taps" played for them has ever been able to hear it.

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George Carlin

Property is theft. Nobody "owns" anything. When you die, it all stays here.

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George Carlin

The best thing about living at the water's edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.

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George Carlin

The future will soon be a thing of the past.

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George Carlin

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.

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George Carlin

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

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George Carlin

And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National

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George Carlin

Whoever coined the term "Buyer Beware" was probably bleeding from the asshole.

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George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

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George Carlin

Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself.

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George Carlin

If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.

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George Carlin

"No comment" is a comment.

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George Carlin

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment they're not actually dying.

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George Carlin

So far, this is the oldest I've been.

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George Carlin

Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?

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George Carlin

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a lot worth paying attention to.

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George Carlin

The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren't quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.

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George Carlin

If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!

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George Carlin

Hooray for most things!

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George Carlin

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

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George Carlin

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

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George Carlin

Life is a zero sum game.

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George Carlin

Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.

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George Carlin

Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky.

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George Carlin

I also survived circumcision, a barbaric practice designed to remind you as early as possible that your genitals are not your own.

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George Carlin

If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance

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George Carlin

I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them.

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George Carlin

Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.

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George Carlin

I respect animals. I have more sympathy for an injured or dead animal than I do for an injured or dead human being, because human beings participate and cooperate in their own undoing. Animals are completely...

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George Carlin

Avoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards

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George Carlin

Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.

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George Carlin

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

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George Carlin

So I live in Los Angeles, and it's kind of a goofy place. They have an airport named after John Wayne. That ought to explain it. It has a charming kind of superstitious innocence.

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George Carlin

A person of good intelligence and of sensitivity cannot exist in this society very long without having some anger about the inequality - and it's not just a bleeding-heart, knee-jerk, liberal kind of a...

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George Carlin

If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.

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George Carlin

The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes.

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George Carlin

In Rome, the emperor sat in a special part of the Colosseum called the Caesarian Section.

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George Carlin

In the 'bullshit department' a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman.

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George Carlin

When it comes to bullshit...bigtime, major league bullshit...you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims...religion.

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George Carlin

Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.

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George Carlin

My tombstone? I'm thinking something along the lines of, 'Geez, he was just here a minute ago.'

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George Carlin

They'll get it all from you sooner or later 'cause they own this f**kin' place. It's a big club and you ain't in it. You and I are not in the big club. By the way, it's the same big club they use to beat...

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George Carlin

If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.

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George Carlin

Life is not measured by the breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breaths away.

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George Carlin

So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today.

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George Carlin

So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but...they had a golf...

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George Carlin

Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.

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George Carlin

If black boxes survive air crashes - why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

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George Carlin

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

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George Carlin

Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.

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George Carlin

The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light...

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George Carlin

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

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George Carlin

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

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George Carlin

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.

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George Carlin

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

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George Carlin

Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.

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George Carlin

A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country...

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George Carlin

The violence of the Left is symbolic, the injuries are not intended. The violence of the Right is real - directed at people, designed to cause injuries. Vietnam, nuclear weapons, police out of control...

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George Carlin

Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.

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George Carlin

Abraham Maslow said that the fully realized person transcends his local group and identifies with the species. But the election of Ronald Reagan might've been the beginning of my giving up on my species....

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George Carlin

But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the whole being for the moment. No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses...

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George Carlin

Griddle cakes, pancakes, hot cakes, flapjacks: why are there four names for grilled batter and only one word for love?

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George Carlin

All music is the blues. All of it.

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George Carlin

I'll tell you a little secret about the Blues: it's not enough to know which notes to play, you have to know why they need to be played.

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George Carlin

Energy experts have announced the development of a new fuel made from human brain tissue. It's called assohol.

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George Carlin

With humans it's abortion, but with chickens it's an omelet.

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George Carlin

There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him. I like to control my environment.

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George Carlin

I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.

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George Carlin

I don't get all choked up about yellow ribbons and American flags. I consider them to be symbols and I leave symbols to the symbol minded.

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George Carlin

The planet is fine. The people are f****d.

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George Carlin

You don’t see many of these white anti-abortion women volunteering to have any black fetuses transplanted into their uterus’s, do you? No, you don’t see them adopting a whole lot of crack babies,...

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George Carlin

We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing

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George Carlin

The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want...

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George Carlin

Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy...

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George Carlin

When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts. Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe...

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George Carlin

That's the whole meaning of life, isn't it? Trying to find a place for your stuff.

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George Carlin

Valentine's Day is devoted to love. Why don't we have a day devoted to hatred? The raw, visceral hatred that is felt every hour of the day by ordinary people, but is repressed for reasons of social order....

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George Carlin

There's a reason education sucks, and it's the same reason it will never ever ever be fixed. It's never going to get any better. Don't look for it. Be happy with what you've got.. because the owners of...

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George Carlin

The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election

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George Carlin

There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting!

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George Carlin

The things they don't tell you in schools these days, geez. Have a look at your owners. The politicians are put there to give you the idea you have freedom of choice. You don't. You have no choice; you...

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George Carlin

The worst thing about e-mail is that you can’t interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It’s frustrating...

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George Carlin

Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

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George Carlin

O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers.

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George Carlin

Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.

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George Carlin

Even in a fake democracy, people ought to get what they want once in a while.

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George Carlin

If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable?

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George Carlin

Sometimes a little brain damage can help.

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George Carlin

If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.

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George Carlin

Thall shall keep thy religion to thy selves.

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George Carlin

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

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George Carlin

The wisest man I ever knew taught me something I never forgot. And although I never forgot it, I never quite memorized it either. So what I’m left with is the memory of having learned something very...

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George Carlin

[On School Uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It's not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from...

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George Carlin

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

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George Carlin

Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Tell them what you've painted is wet, they have to touch it to believe.

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George Carlin

I am a personal optimist but a skeptic about all else. What may sound to some like anger is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and pity, and I...

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George Carlin

Everyone smiles in the same language.

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George Carlin

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

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George Carlin

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

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George Carlin

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of...

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George Carlin

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

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George Carlin

The planet isn't going anywhere. We are.

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George Carlin

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

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George Carlin

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

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George Carlin

One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17....

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George Carlin

Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone's eyes out.

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George Carlin

When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.

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George Carlin

I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.

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George Carlin

They mention that it's a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don't care for that sort of thing. Call me old fashioned, but I insist that my flight stop. Preferably at an airport.

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George Carlin

I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.

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George Carlin

And this should go without saying. That's why I'm going to say it: Drinking and driving don't mix. Do your drinking early in the morning and get it out of the way. Then go driving while the visibility...

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George Carlin

I hope we're not just human garbage drifting toward a big sewer. But I think so.

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George Carlin

If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?

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George Carlin

As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.

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George Carlin

I'm tired of hearing about innocent victims. It's fiction, If you live on this planet you're guilty, period, f*** you, next case, end of report. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt.

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George Carlin

An art thief is a man who takes pictures.

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George Carlin

We're not supposed to mention f***ing in mixed company, but that's exactly where it takes place.

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George Carlin

Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff?

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George Carlin

These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.

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George Carlin

Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help.

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George Carlin

In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems are breaking down, and I thought, What a wonderful thing; perhaps I can make some...

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George Carlin

I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's legal to give away?

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George Carlin

Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.

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George Carlin

The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.

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George Carlin

I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then ..hitting it again!

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George Carlin

Christian Deodorant: "Thou Shalt Not Smell"

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George Carlin

You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd like; generally, it's an inconvenience.

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George Carlin

"Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass."

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George Carlin

The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.

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George Carlin

In Hawaii they say, "aloha." That's a nice one, It means both "hello" and "good-bye" Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going.

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George Carlin

A pear is a failed apple.

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George Carlin

Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? "Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself."

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George Carlin

The owner of a Florida massage parlor has been arrested by police. "There weren't any serious violations," said the officers, "she just rubbed us the wrong way."

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George Carlin

When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to.

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George Carlin

I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect.

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George Carlin

I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out.

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George Carlin

Israeli murderers are called "commandos," Arab commandos are called "terrorists."

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George Carlin

To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope.

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George Carlin

If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found.

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George Carlin

As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path.

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George Carlin

You know why we're good at it? Because we get a lot of practice. This country is only 200 years old, and already we've had ten major wars. We average a major war every twenty years. So we're good at it!

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George Carlin

McDonald's breakfast for under a dollar is actually more expensive than that. You have to factor in the cost of bypass surgery.

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George Carlin

Professional soldiers are people who die for a living.

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George Carlin

Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to...

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George Carlin

The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls around God is completely f***in' worn out.

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George Carlin

Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this asshole outta here!"

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George Carlin

In the doggie dictionary, under "bow wow" it says, "See "arf arf.""

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George Carlin

When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.

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George Carlin

Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Laugh..apologiz e..let go of what you can't change.

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George Carlin

There's some invisible guy, up in the sky, who can kill you, because he loves you.

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George Carlin

There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan.

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George Carlin

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

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George Carlin

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body

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George Carlin

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

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George Carlin

If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you're gonna get selfish, ignorant leaders.

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George Carlin

Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!

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George Carlin

What year did Jesus think it was?

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George Carlin

Meow” means “woof” in cat.

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George Carlin

You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the WORLD! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets...supply lines are getting longer...

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George Carlin

So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s...

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George Carlin

Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.

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George Carlin

Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

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George Carlin

When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.

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George Carlin

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

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George Carlin

With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius.

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George Carlin

Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.

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George Carlin

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

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George Carlin

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

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George Carlin

If a lobster didn't look like a sci-fi monster, people would be less able to drop him alive into boiling water.

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George Carlin

Government want to tell you things you can't say because they're against the law, or you can't say this because it's against a regulation, or here's something you can't say because its a...secret; "You...

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George Carlin

I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let...

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George Carlin

No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you're screwed because it's all fixed and rigged. There is a club and you ain't in it.

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George Carlin

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

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George Carlin

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

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George Carlin

When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.

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George Carlin

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

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George Carlin

I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.

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George Carlin

Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

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George Carlin

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.

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George Carlin

We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.

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George Carlin

When will all the rhetorical questions end?

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George Carlin

I go to bed early; my favorite dream comes on at nine.

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George Carlin

And what can we do to silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose? Not a word. You never hear them say "Jesus made me drop the ball." "The...

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George Carlin

It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard. That's our history. We were founded on a very basic...

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George Carlin

If you take five white guys and put 'em with five black guys, and let 'em hang around together for about a month, and at the end of the month, you'll notice that the white guys are walking and talking...

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George Carlin

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

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George Carlin

If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse.

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George Carlin

So about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified, the slaves are freed. Not so you'd really notice it of course; just kinda on paper. And that of course was at the end of the Civil War. Now there is...

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George Carlin

Let me get a sip of water here...you figure this stuff is safe to drink? Actually, I don't care, I drink it anyway. You know why? Because I'm an American and I expect a little cancer in my food and water....

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George Carlin

Children should be taught to question everything . . . everything they read and everything they hear.

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George Carlin

When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons.

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George Carlin

You know something I could really do without? The Space Shuttle. ... It's irresponsible. The last thing we should be doing is sending our grotesquely distorted DNA out into space.

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George Carlin

Did you ever stop to thnk about all the people we kill? They're always people who tell us to live together in harmony and try to love one another: Jesus, Ghandi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Medgar...

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George Carlin

Personally, when it comes to rights, I think one of two things is true. I think either we have unlimited rights, or we have no rights at all. Personally I lean towards unlimited rights, I feel for instance...

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George Carlin

They're only words. You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth.

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George Carlin

One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is 'Libertarian.' People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable, and to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it's just...

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George Carlin

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

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George Carlin

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

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George Carlin

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

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George Carlin

Good news for senior citizens: Death is near!

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George Carlin

Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resumé of a supreme being.

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George Carlin

I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.

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George Carlin

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.

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George Carlin

What wine goes with Captain Crunch?

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George Carlin

I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes

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George Carlin

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from...

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George Carlin

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

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George Carlin

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

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George Carlin

Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.

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George Carlin

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

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George Carlin

Is there another word for synonym?

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George Carlin

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

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George Carlin

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

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George Carlin

Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?

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George Carlin

It's never just a game when you're winning.

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George Carlin

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

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George Carlin

The truth is, Pavlov's dog trained Pavlov to ring this bell just before the dog salivated.

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George Carlin

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full...

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George Carlin

Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only product that, if used as intended, kills the consumer.

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George Carlin

You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.

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George Carlin

The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage.

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George Carlin

Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails.

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George Carlin

Religion - religion, at best - at BEST - is like a lift in your shoe. If you need it for a while, and it makes you walk straight and feel better - fine. But you don't need it forever, or you can become...

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George Carlin

Christians worship a dead Jew on a stick

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George Carlin

I sort of gave up on this whole human adventure a long time ago, divorced myself from it emotionally. It gives me an artistic detachment that I find valuable. I think the human race has squandered its...

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George Carlin

For a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have a label.

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George Carlin

If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything alive is gonna die...where does the sacred part come in?

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George Carlin

Why should it be illegal to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away?

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George Carlin

Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.

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George Carlin

I finally accepted Jesus. not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.

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George Carlin

Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to wear your shoes.

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George Carlin

A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt

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George Carlin

Something is wrong. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, crime, torture, corruption and the ice capades. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. This is not what you...

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George Carlin

Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy.

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George Carlin

There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.

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George Carlin

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

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George Carlin

Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man ... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't...

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George Carlin

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

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George Carlin

If you can't say something nice about a person, go ahead

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George Carlin

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

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George Carlin

Keep in mind, the news media are not independent; they are a sort of bulletin board and public relations firm for the ruling class-the people who run things. Those who decide what news you will or will...

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George Carlin

Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.

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George Carlin

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

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George Carlin

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.

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George Carlin

I think we’re part of a greater wisdom that we will ever understand; a higher order, call it what you want. Know what I call it? The Big Electron. It doesn’t punish, it doesn’t reward, it doesn’t...

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George Carlin

People are wonderful. I love individuals. I hate groups of people. I hate a group of people with a 'common purpose'. 'Cause pretty soon they have little hats. And armbands. And fight songs. And a list...

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George Carlin

Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack.

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George Carlin

A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed.

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George Carlin

People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.

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George Carlin

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

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George Carlin

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

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Related quote

George Carlin

Christians worship a dead Jew on a stick

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Amiri Baraka

Atheist Jews double crossers stole our [black people’s] secrets. . . . They give us to worship a dead Jew and not ourselves . . . . Selling fried potatoes and people, the little arty bastards talking...

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Richard Hammond

You can stick a BMW badge on a dead cat - and people would still buy it.

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Sholom Aleichem

One cannot live on potatoes alone. It is said that one wants bread with potatoes. And when there's no bread, a Jew takes his stick, and goes through the village in search of business.

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Anita Brookner

You can never betray the people who are dead, so you go on being a public Jew; the dead can't answer slurs, but I'm here. I would love to think that Jesus wants me for a sunbeam, but he doesn't.

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Anton Rubinstein

Russians call me German, Germans call me Russian, Jews call me a Christian, Christians a Jew.

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Ben Stein

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed...

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John Haynes Holmes

If Christians were Christians, there would be no anti-Semitism. Jesus was a Jew. There is nothing that the ordinary Christian so dislikes to remember as this awkward historical fact.

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Lauren Oliver

Step on a crack , you'll break your mama's back. Step on a stone, you'll end up all alone. Step on a stick, you're bound to get the Sick. Watch where you tread, you'll bring out all the dead. - A common...

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Penn Jillette

I will forever stick up for Catholics and Christians in general. With a small number of very horrible exceptions, they do play by the rules.

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Sam Harris

We have Christians against Muslims against Jews, and no matter how liberal your theology, merely identifying yourself as a Christian or a Jew lends tacit validity to this status quo. People have morally...

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William E. Rees

One of the gifts of the Jewish culture to Christianity is that it has taught Christians to think like Jews, and any modern man who has not learned to think as though he were a Jew can hardly be said to...

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Justin Martyr

But I and others, who are right-minded Christians on all points, are assured that there will be a resurrection of the dead, and a thousand years in Jerusalem, which will then be built, adorned, and enlarged,...

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Derek Landy

You have no idea about presents or what they mean. The last present you gave me was a stick.” “You wanted a weapon.” “It was a stick.” “It had a bow on it.” “It was a stick.” “I thought...

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Felix Frankfurter

I came into the world a Jew, and although I did not live my life entirely as a Jew, I think it is fitting that I should leave as a Jew. I don't want to … turn my back on a great and noble heritage.

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Lenny Bruce

Now a Jew, in the dictionary, is one who is descended from the ancient tribes of Judea, or one who is regarded as descended from that tribe. That's what it says in the dictionary; but you and I know what...

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Israel Zolli

Once a Jew always a Jew.

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Karl Marx

From the outset, the Christian was the theorizing Jew, the Jew is therefore the practical Christian, and the practical Christian has become a Jew again.

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Tina St. John

Holy Moses on a pogo stick!!

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Steven Rice

Worship is not music. We can certainly worship Him without musicians and without a song. And by the way, God does not actually seek worship. The Word tells us that He seeks worshippers. He's not looking...

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Sue Monk Kidd

Place a beehive on my grave And let the honey soak through. When I'm dead and gone, That's what I want from you. The streets of heaven are gold and sunny, But I'll stick with my plot and a pot of honey....

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“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.”

― Dr. Seuss