Dave Barry quote

"Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer."

Dave Barry

Born: July 3, 1947

Occupation: Author

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More quotes of Dave Barry

Dave Barry

Here in Miami, on weekends, amusement-seekers will come to the marina, set up folding chairs, and spend a highly entertaining day watching boat owners perform comical maneuvers such as forgetting to set...

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Dave Barry

I shared this insight with some other boat owners, and they all agreed that, definitely, putting your boar into the water is asking for trouble. Most of them have had their boats sitting in their driveways...

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Dave Barry

There is nothing as relaxing as being out on the open sea, listening to the waves and the wind and the sails and voices downstairs yelling "HOW DO YOU FLUSH THESE TOILETS?"

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Dave Barry

It takes a minimum of six people, working in close harmony, to successfully flush a nautical toilet. That's why those old ships carried such large crews.

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Dave Barry

You have to be careful on the deck, because of the "hatches," which are holes placed around a sailboat at random to increase the insurance rates.

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Dave Barry

It was not easy victory in the America Cup. Our boys spent years experimenting with different designs for their boat before they came up with the innovative idea of having a submerged nuclear submarine...

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Dave Barry

Fortunately the boat we rented had a motor in it You will definitely want this feature on your sailboat too, because if you put up the sails, the boat tips way over, and you could spill your beer.

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Dave Barry

He's a boating enthusiast, although that phrase seems too weak to describe the level of his interest, kind of like describing someone as a heroin fancier.

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Dave Barry

Sailboats are the slowest form of transportation on Earth with the possible exeption of airline flights that go through O'Hare.

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Dave Barry

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far today, I have finished 2 bags of M&M's and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

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Dave Barry

You've read newspaper stories about elderly widows who die and leave their entire estates to their pet cats, right? Well, your cat reads those stories too, and has spent most of its skulking, devious little...

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Dave Barry

Derangement is the only possible explanation for owning a cat, an animal whose preferred mode of communication is to sink its claws three-quarters of an inch into your flesh.

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Dave Barry

Today's beauty ideal, strictly enforced by the media, is a person with the same level of body fat as a paper clip.

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Dave Barry

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base.

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Dave Barry

Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.

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Dave Barry

Directors are always changing things at the last minute. Actors will do a scene, and the director will say, ‘Okay, that was perfect, but this time, Bob, instead of saying “What’s for dinner?” you...

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Dave Barry

The word aerobics comes from two Greek words: aero, meaning “ability to,” and bics, meaning “withstand tremendous boredom.

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Dave Barry

Spreadsheet: a kind of program that lets you sit at your desk and ask all kinds of neat "what if?" questions and generate thousands of numbers instead of actually working.

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Dave Barry

You should not confuse your career with your life.

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Dave Barry

Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned, there is no need to involve your brain.

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Dave Barry

One popular new plastic surgery technique is called lip grafting, or 'fat recycling,' wherein fat cells are removed from one part of your body that is too large, such as your buttocks, and injected into...

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Dave Barry

On Valentine's Day, millions of men give millions of women flowers, cards and candy as a heartfelt expression of the emotion that also motivates men to observe anniversaries and birthdays-fear.

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Dave Barry

I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regardless of their political or cultural differences--accuse each other of cheating.

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Dave Barry

By today's beauty standards, of course, Marilyn Monroe was an oil tanker.

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Dave Barry

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

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Dave Barry

Just get on any major highway, and eventually it will dead-end in a Disney parking area large enough to have its own climate, populated by large nomadic families who have been trying to find their cars...

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Dave Barry

It is important to be nice. But sometimes niceness can be misconstrued as weak. Should we be nice to everybody? Should we be nice only when others are nice to us? Here are some interesting views about...

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Dave Barry

Dating means doing a lot of fun things you will never do again if you get married. The fun stops with marriage because you're trying to save money for when you split up your property.

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Dave Barry

It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta

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Dave Barry

I will vote for the first candidate who promises to use nuclear missiles against LinkedIn.

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Dave Barry

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

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Dave Barry

Reading... a vacation for the mind....

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Dave Barry

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

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Dave Barry

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'

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Dave Barry

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

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Dave Barry

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

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Dave Barry

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

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Dave Barry

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what...

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Dave Barry

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

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Dave Barry

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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Dave Barry

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

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Dave Barry

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

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Dave Barry

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

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Dave Barry

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

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Dave Barry

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

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Dave Barry

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

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Dave Barry

It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg...

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Dave Barry

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

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Dave Barry

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.

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Dave Barry

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

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Dave Barry

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

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Dave Barry

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

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Dave Barry

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.

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Dave Barry

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

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Dave Barry

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

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Dave Barry

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

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Dave Barry

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

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Dave Barry

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

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Dave Barry

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

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Dave Barry

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

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Dave Barry

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

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Dave Barry

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

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Dave Barry

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

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Dave Barry

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

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Dave Barry

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.

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Dave Barry

'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.

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Dave Barry

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.

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Dave Barry

We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.

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Dave Barry

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

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Dave Barry

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

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Dave Barry

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person, defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.

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Dave Barry

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

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Dave Barry

The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.

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Dave Barry

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

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Dave Barry

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

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Dave Barry

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.

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Dave Barry

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

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Dave Barry

To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.

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Dave Barry

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

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Dave Barry

What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.

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Dave Barry

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?

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Dave Barry

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

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Dave Barry

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

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Dave Barry

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

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Dave Barry

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

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Dave Barry

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.

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Dave Barry

The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.

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Dave Barry

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.

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Dave Barry

Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.

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Dave Barry

The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.

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Dave Barry

The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.

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Dave Barry

We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.

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Dave Barry

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.

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Dave Barry

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves. You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.

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Dave Barry

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

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Dave Barry

In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.

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Dave Barry

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

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Dave Barry

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

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Dave Barry

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.

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Dave Barry

For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.

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Dave Barry

I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.

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Dave Barry

If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.

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Dave Barry

If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

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Dave Barry

In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.

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Dave Barry

It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.

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Dave Barry

Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.

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Dave Barry

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

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Dave Barry

The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.

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Dave Barry

The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.

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Dave Barry

The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.

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Dave Barry

There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.

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Dave Barry

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.

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Dave Barry

We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.

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Dave Barry

And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.

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Dave Barry

Do not spit gum in the drinking fountains.

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Dave Barry

Today, you're 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!

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Dave Barry

I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes.

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Dave Barry

You can say any fool thing to a dog and the dog will just give you this look that says, 'My GOSH, you're RIGHT! I NEVER would've thought of that!

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Dave Barry

Headbangers' are people who like heavy-metal music, which is performed by skinny men with huge hair who stomp around the stage, striking their instruments and shrieking angrily, apparently because somebody...

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Dave Barry

There shall be a National Anthem containing incomprehensible words and a high note that normal humans cannot hit without risk of hernia.

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Dave Barry

Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America,

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Dave Barry

Without good grammar, the United States would have lost World War II.

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Dave Barry

Sometimes you panic and find yourself emitting remarks so profoundly inane that you would be embarrassed to say them to your dog. Your dog would look at you and think to itself, 'I may lick myself in public,...

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Dave Barry

Do not put this product in a big vat and drop rats into it from a cat-walk.

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Dave Barry

But that's kind of an easy stance to be if you're a humor columnist, because you're tending to make fun of the government and the powerful. I'm sort of a soft-core libertarian in that my compass is generally...

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Dave Barry

Whatever the needs of the public are, the government responds to those needs by getting larger.

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Dave Barry

Why can't Americans do their own taxes? Because the federal Tax Code is out of control, that's why. It's gigantic and insanely complex, and it gets worse all the time. Nobody has ever read the whole thing....

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Dave Barry

We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon.

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Dave Barry

I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no restrictions,...

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Dave Barry

I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'.

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Dave Barry

Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it.

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Dave Barry

If Congress were to pass a 'flat' tax, you'd simply pay a fixed percentage of your income, and you wouldn't have to fill out any complicated forms, and there would be no loopholes for politically connected...

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Dave Barry

As Americans we must always remember that we all have a common enemy, an enemy that is dangerous, powerful, and relentless. I refer, of course, to the federal government.

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Dave Barry

Back then, the entire Internet consisted of two slow, boxcar-sized UNIVAC computers about 50 feet apart, connected by a wire. It would take one of these computers an entire day to send an email to the...

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Dave Barry

Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?

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Dave Barry

I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.

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Dave Barry

I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive work or contributing anything to society, my reaction is: “How...

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Dave Barry

During the warm season (August 8 and 9), Maine is a true vacation paradise, offering visitors a chance to jump into crystal-clear mountain lakes and see if they can get back out again before their bodily...

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Dave Barry

Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent,...

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Dave Barry

The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture finished and put inside boxes.

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Dave Barry

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. They're the kind of people who'd stop to help you change a flat,...

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Dave Barry

Basically Ken is a very gentle, home-loving person. I remember when one of his stick insects had a knee infection. He stayed up all night rubbing it with germoline and banging its head on the table.

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Dave Barry

And what is the Scientific Community doing about these problems, young people? THEY'RE CLONING SHEEP. Great! Just what we need! Sheep that look MORE ALIKE than they already do! Thanks a lot, Scientific...

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Dave Barry

Thus the white men and Native Americans were able, through the spirit of goodwill and compromise, to reach the first in what would become a long series of mutually beneficial, breached agreements that...

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Dave Barry

Aside from Velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe.

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Dave Barry

I like golf because you can be really terrible at it, and still not look much dorkier than anybody else.

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Dave Barry

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.

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Dave Barry

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.

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Dave Barry

Democracy: In which you say what you like and do what you're told.

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Dave Barry

If women were in charge of all the world's nations, there would be sincerely believe this - no military conflicts, and when there WAS a military conflict, everybody involved would feel just awful and...

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Dave Barry

I find myself having these conversations where I go...You know, the guy, in that place. The guy in the place with the thing, you know. And it becomes this game of charades. And then finally, we realize...

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Dave Barry

I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules,including: Both of your socks should always be the same color, Or they should at least both be fairly dark.

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Dave Barry

The voice belonged to Mr. Pzyrbovich, an algebra teacher who was always called Mr. P, for obvious reasons. He has a heavy accent, which a lot of kids said made him hard to understand, although to be fair...

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Dave Barry

The bad news was that the yard contained a dog. A very, very large dog, wide and hairy, like a cross between a rottweiler and a Goodyear blimp.

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Dave Barry

I regularly read Internet user groups filled with messages from people trying to solve software incompatibility problems that, in terms of complexity, make the U.S. Tax Code look like Dr. Seuss.

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Dave Barry

I also saw a huge expansion of the Internet, with many major corporations, afraid of being left behind, spending hundreds of millions of dollars to develop World Wide Web sites in a frantic scramble to...

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Dave Barry

The Internet "browser"... is the piece of software that puts a message on your computer screen informing you that the Internet is currently busy and you should try again later.

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Dave Barry

Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary to what you may have heard, the Internet does not operate at the speed of light; it...

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Dave Barry

What, exactly, is the internet? Basically it is a global network exchanging digitized data in such a way that any computer, anywhere, that is equipped with a device called a 'modem', can make a noise like...

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Dave Barry

The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, "people without lives." We don't care. We have each other...

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Dave Barry

One day soon the Gillette company will announce the development of a razor that, thanks to a computer microchip, can actually travel ahead in time and shave beard hairs that don't even exist yet

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Dave Barry

Palestinian and Israeli leaders finally recover the Road Map to Peace, only to discover that, while they were looking for it, the Lug Nuts of Mutual Interest came off the Front Left Wheel of Accommodation,...

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Dave Barry

If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set of tires.

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Dave Barry

When to arrive at the airport?: You should be at the airport already.

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Dave Barry

We don't shoot somebody soon, I'm gonna forget how

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Dave Barry

maybe somebody finally shot the dog.

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Dave Barry

A perfect parent is a person with excellent child-rearing theories and no actual children.

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Dave Barry

Dogs do not grasp the concept of house cleaning.

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Dave Barry

Think, for a moment, of the countless happy childhood hours you spent with this amazing device: Drawing perfect horizontals, drawing perfect verticals, drawing really spastic diagonals, trying to scrape...

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Dave Barry

2. The instant the doors open, you want to push forward as hard as possible, in an effort to get onto the train without letting anybody off. This is very important. If anybody does get off, it is legal...

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Dave Barry

Most of the presidential candidates' economic packages involve 'tax breaks,' which is when the government, amid great fanfare, generously decides not to take quite so much of your income. In other words,...

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Dave Barry

normal person's weekly chore list: 1. clean kitchen. 2. clean bathroom. 3. clean entire rest of domicile. cleaning impaired person's weekly chore list: 1. don't get peanut butter on sheets.

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Dave Barry

What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth ? Judging from realistic simulations involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will be pretty bad.

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Dave Barry

If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things about them: 1. They all had editors. 2. They are all dead....

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Dave Barry

Imagine what will happen to this nation if large numbers of American women start using the Wonderbra. It will be catastrophic. The male half of the population will be nothing but mindless drooling Zombies...

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Dave Barry

The obvious and fair solution to the housework problem is to let men do the housework for, say, the next six thousand years, to even things up. The trouble is that men, over the years, have developed...

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Dave Barry

Never trust anything you read in a travel article. Travel articles appear in publications that sell large, expensive advertisements to tourism-related industries, and these industries do not wish to see...

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Dave Barry

A short distance away is the Tidal Basin, ringed by cherry trees that every year produce flowers, an event to which Washingtonians react as though it were the Second Coming of Christ.

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Dave Barry

The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, "people without lives." We don't care. We have each other.... While you are destroying your...

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Dave Barry

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at...

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Dave Barry

Because of some defect in my motor skill, I can never COMPLETELY wrap [gifts]....If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by...

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Dave Barry

Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at...

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Dave Barry

My son, Rob....said the only time he ever wraps a gift is, quote, "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it."

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Dave Barry

Unlike cats dogs never scratch you when you wash them. They just become very sad and try to figure out what they did wrong.

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Dave Barry

My theory is that there is a finite amount of intelligence in a family, and you're supposed to gradually transfer it to your children over a period of many years. This is why your parents started to get...

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Dave Barry

SAT tests are designed by huge panels of experts in education and psychology who work for years to design tests in which not one single question measures any bit of knowledge that anyone might actually...

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Dave Barry

The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.

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Dave Barry

Your job is to give people a reason to keep reading.

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Dave Barry

Happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations...

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Dave Barry

And that's the wonderful thing about family travel: it provides you with experiences that will remain locked forever in the scar tissue of your mind.

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Dave Barry

But if I hadn't shoved you off the boat back there,you'd be lost at sea now,wouldn't you? We'd all be lost! So thanks to me you're all standing on land." (Pirates, its a good thing they're idiots)

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Dave Barry

For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest).

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Dave Barry

The science fair has long been a favorite educational tool in the American school system, and for a good reason: Your teachers hate you.

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Dave Barry

Love and pregnancy and riding on a camel cannot be hid

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Dave Barry

There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his head, he will hang up the phone immediately.

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Dave Barry

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer.

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Dave Barry

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

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Dave Barry

I have seen women walk right past a TV set with a football game on and - this always amazes me - not stop to watch, even if the TV is showing replays of what we call a "good hit," which is a tackle that...

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Dave Barry

It is a good idea to 'shop around' before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mercedes. Ask about the competence of his mechanic. Don't be shy! After all, you're paying for it.

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Dave Barry

Of course, the truth is that the congresspersons are too busy raising campaign money to read the laws they pass. The laws are written by staff tax nerds who can put pretty much any wording they want in...

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Dave Barry

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

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Dave Barry

Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have around the Home.

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Dave Barry

A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge.

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Dave Barry

Although humans tend to view sex as mainly a fun recreational activity sometimes resulting in death, in nature it is a far more serious matter.

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Dave Barry

Print neatly. That's the kind of advice that the IRS considers a "dynamite" tax tip. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless.

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Dave Barry

And to you taxpayers out there, let me say this: Make sure you file your tax return on time! And remember that, even though income taxes can be a 'pain in the neck,' the folks at the IRS are regular people...

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Dave Barry

At least once per year, some group of scientists will become very excited and announce that: •The universe is even bigger than they thought! •There are even more subatomic particles than they thought! •Whatever...

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Dave Barry

In the words of a very famous dead person, 'A nation that does not know its history is doomed to do poorly on the Scholastic Aptitude Test.

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Dave Barry

We constantly see surveys that reveal this ignorance, especially among our high school students,78 percent of whom, in a recent nationwide multiple-choice test, identified Abraham Lincoln as 'a kind of...

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Dave Barry

European toilet paper is made from the same material that Americans use for roofing, which is why Europeans tend to remain standing throughout soccer matches.

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Dave Barry

Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons.

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Dave Barry

What I need is a search engine that, no matter what I type in, comes back with GO BACK TO WORK.

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Dave Barry

There is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.

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Dave Barry

If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

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Dave Barry

The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.

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Dave Barry

Beneath their surface differences, there are a lot of deep, underlying differences.

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Dave Barry

It is better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick

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Dave Barry

The old system of having a baby was much better than the new system, the old system being characterized by the fact that the man didn't have to watch.

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Dave Barry

In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank....

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Dave Barry

See, when the GOVERNMENT spends money, it creates jobs; whereas when the money is left in the hands of TAXPAYERS, God only knows what they do with it. Bake it into pies, probably. Anything to avoid creating...

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Dave Barry

Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information which is how I got a good job in journalism.

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Dave Barry

You should never pick up a newspaper when you're feeling good, because every newspaper has a special department, called the Bummer Desk, which is responsible for digging up depressing front-page stories.

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Dave Barry

I do not mean to be the slightest bit critical of TV newspeople, who do a superb job, considering that they operate under severe time constraints and have the intellectual depth of hamsters. But TV news...

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Dave Barry

Proper turkey preparation is critical. According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, more Americans die every year from eating improperly cooked turkey than were killed in the entire Peloponnesian War....

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Dave Barry

...light overcomes darkenss. A tiny match can illuminate the darkest room. As long as there is some light somewhere in the universe, [darkness] can be defeated.

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Dave Barry

Microsoft has a new version out, Windows XP, which according to everybody is the 'most reliable Windows ever.' To me, this is like saying that asparagus is 'the most articulate vegetable ever.'

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Dave Barry

The porpoises said hello to Molly. She told them all her teeth were green.

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Dave Barry

Smee! Raise the Ladies!

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Dave Barry

You can use the Internet to find out, from anywhere on the planet: exactly how much coffee is in a certain coffee machine at Cambridge University in England; exactly how many sodas are available in certain...

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Dave Barry

The nicest Father's Day surprise of all for Dad would be if you handed him a box, and he unwrapped it, and there, inside, sitting on a bed of folded tissue, was the pair of his undershorts that somebody...

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Dave Barry

There's nothing wrong with enjoying looking at the surface of the ocean itself, except that when you finally see what goes on underwater,you realize that you've been missing the whole point of the ocean....

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Dave Barry

Can we move this conversation along, I'm getting frightfully tired of 'hoa'.

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Dave Barry

The letters in 'Brace Beemer' can be arranged to spell 'Embrace Beer.'

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Dave Barry

Far too often, we fathers avoid the subject because it's so awkward. The subject I am referring to is: buying gifts for women. This is an area where many men do not have a clue. Exhibit A was my father,...

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Dave Barry

You can, legally, possibly hit and kill a fellow golfer with a ball, and there will not be a lot of trouble because the other golfers will refuse to stop and be witnesses because they will want to keep...

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Dave Barry

If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from the Beverly Hillbillies.

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Dave Barry

The average tax payer is not a big voluntary supporter of the arts. The only art that the average taxpayer buys voluntarily either has a picture of Bart Simpson on it or little suction cups on its feet...

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Dave Barry

...Hell, which as every frequent traveler knows, is in Concourse D of O'Hare Airport.

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Dave Barry

Professional marriage counselors agree that the most productive and mature way to deal with marital anger is to stomp dramatically from the room. You want to make your move before the opponent does, because...

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Dave Barry

What women want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What men want: Tickets to the World Series.

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Dave Barry

Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one.

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Dave Barry

The question is: What can we, as citizens, do to reform our tax system? As you know, under our three-branch system of government, the tax laws are created by: Satan. But he works through the Congress,...

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Dave Barry

Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often shocked to discover that, despite all the progress that has been made in the last 30 years, many foreign people still speak in foreign languages

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Dave Barry

I recently had my annual physical examination, which I get once every seven years, and when the nurse weighed me, I was shocked to discover how much stronger the Earth's gravitational pull has become since...

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Dave Barry

In my experience, you run into trouble when you ask a group of beer-drinking men to perform any task more complex than remembering not to light the filter ends of cigarettes.

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Dave Barry

After the war, Prohibition was passed, and with liquor no longer legally available the nation plunged headlong into the Great Depression.

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Dave Barry

All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow.

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Dave Barry

In the Bowling Alley of Tomorrow, there will even be machines that wear rental shoes and throw the ball for you. Your sole function will be to drink beer.

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Dave Barry

Your guess is as good as mine. Better probably, because you haven't had four beers.

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Dave Barry

Talking about golf is always boring. Playing golf can be interesting, but not the part where you try to hit the little ball; only the part where you drive the cart.

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Dave Barry

The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

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Dave Barry

If, when you talk to people, they keep backing away from you, it's because you're TOO CLOSE, alright? SO DON'T KEEP ADVANCING ON THEM LIKE A HUMAN GLACIER.

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Dave Barry

Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.

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Dave Barry

Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.

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Dave Barry

...when the armed robber of unhappiness knocks over the Keebler cookie display of our complacency, and bangs the samurai sword of negativity on the checkout counter of our dreams, we must not be afraid...

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Dave Barry

Kids have *_____ never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the...

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Dave Barry

Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing.

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Dave Barry

Please try not to be such a wiener-head.

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Dave Barry

Don't emphasise money if you don't have much; be happy

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Dave Barry

Another well-known Paris landmark is the Arc de Triomphe, a moving monument to the many brave women and men who have died trying to visit it.

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Dave Barry

The major advantage of domestic travel is that, with a few exceptions such as Miami, most domestic locations are conveniently situated right here in the United States.

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Dave Barry

I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years. Or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.

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Dave Barry

Someone was tapping on the window.

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Dave Barry

My wife, like many women, actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness.

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Dave Barry

Shawn's (Shawn Weatherly - former beauty queen) acting ability is such that she could not convey the concept of falling if your pushed her off a cliff.

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Dave Barry

Infiniti ads are part of an exciting new trend called "Advertising Whose Sole Purpose Is to Irritate You."

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Dave Barry

My point here, young couples, is that baby-having is extremely serious business, and you probably don't have the vaguest idea what you're doing, as is evidenced by the fact that you're reading a very sloppy...

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Dave Barry

Until I became a parent, I thought children just naturally knew how to catch a ball, that catching was an instinctive biological reflex that all children are born with, like knowing how to operate a remote...

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Dave Barry

Today's toys contain computer chips, so they can move and talk; this stimulates the mind of your child. Notice I say "your child." MY child just wants to eat the toys.

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Dave Barry

I hate rap music, which to me sounds like a bunch of angry men shouting, possibly because the person who was supposed to provide them with a melody never showed up.

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Dave Barry

If Peter was nine, and a new boy came to St. Norbert’s Home for Wayward Boys who said he was ten, why, then, Peter would declare himself eleven. Also, he could spit the farthest. That made him the undisputed...

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Dave Barry

Why don’t you lift the end?” said Alf. “It’s me back, Alf,” complained Mack. “You know how it troubles me.” “No more than mine troubles me,” said Alf. “But I said it first,” said...

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Dave Barry

Cyrus Pembridge, the Never Land’s captain, was widely regarded as the most incompetent man to comman a ship since the formation of water. “Who in the name of common sense would put to sea on that ship...

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Dave Barry

He was distracted by a giggle, and turned to see a rare sight: a girl.

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Dave Barry

If Black Stache laughed, you laughed. If he snarled, you snarled. If he breathed in your direction, you ran for cover.

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Dave Barry

Black Stache had no love for the Queen, no love for women of any sort, except for his ma. He had a real soft spot for his ma, and was truly sorry for the time he’d marooned her.

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Dave Barry

He felt a momentary pang of regret that he had not spent more time with his beloved wife. But it passed when he remembered that the reason he’d gone to sea in the first place was that he had never really...

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Dave Barry

There was nowhere to sit except the bunk, which was covered with rotting food, and a wooden stool, upon which sat a large fur-covered lump—an old cheese, perhaps, or a dead cat.

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Dave Barry

Nobody understands how hard it is, being a captain.

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Dave Barry

A secret society within a secret society.

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Dave Barry

That is the Wasp, yes. But it was captured by Black Stache, and he’s coming for this ship now.” “And how do you know that?” asked Slank. “Did a seagull tell you?” This brought chuckles from...

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Dave Barry

He could even think about how fast he was thinking about things.

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Dave Barry

Land!” shouted Thomas. “Is there food?” asked Tubby Ted.

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Dave Barry

Sir,” James asked, “what are we going to do?” “We’re going to look for water,” said Alf. “And food?” said Tubby Ted. “Water first,” said Alf. “We can go days without food.” “We...

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Dave Barry

His body rigid with terror as he waited for the savages to something horrible to him—bash his head with clubs, or stab him with spears, or… …or tap him on the shoulder.

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Dave Barry

Seriously? You won’t help me?” “Help yourself get killed? No, I won’t.

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Dave Barry

How can you be afraid of women?” “Those ain’t normal women.

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Dave Barry

No man had ever knocked little Richard down. But of course Ammm was not a man.

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Dave Barry

You and Teacher,” said Molly. “Yes,” said Peter. “She’s very clever. You’ll like her.” “I’m sure,” said Molly.

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Dave Barry

She wanted to cry, but she did not want Peter to see her cry, and she especially did not want Teacher, with her flowing hair, to see her cry.

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Dave Barry

You might have mentioned this to me Molly,” said Leonard. “The fact that there are hostile natives on the island.” “I forgot,” said Molly. “You forgot?” said Leonard. “There’s been a...

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Dave Barry

Stache’s attack was perfectly timed, thanks to his veteran-pirate grasp tactics—and a big piece if luck.

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Dave Barry

The Mollusks—generous hosts when they weren’t trying to kill you.

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Dave Barry

Leonard Aster thanked Fighting Prawn and the Mollusk tribe for their hospitality. “You mean,” said Fighting Prawn, “for not killing you?” “Yes,” said Leonard. “It was very gracious of you.”...

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Dave Barry

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

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Dave Barry

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.

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Dave Barry

Cats are independent, by which I mean smart.

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Dave Barry

Albert Einstein, who discovered that a tiny amount of mass is equal to a huge amount of energy, which explains why, as Einstein himself so eloquently put it in a famous 1939 speech to the Physics Department...

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Dave Barry

The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment.

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Dave Barry

A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.

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Dave Barry

As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with somebody at a party, and you'll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can't...

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Dave Barry

I believe it was Shakespeare, or possibly Howard Cosell, who first observed that marriage is very much like a birthday candle, in that 'the flames of passion burn brightest when the wick of intimacy is...

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Dave Barry

If you're like most members of the Baby Boom generation, you decided somewhere along the line, probably after about four margaritas, to have children. This was inevitable. Mother Nature, in her infinite...

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Dave Barry

Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily...

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Dave Barry

People don't think of writers as sex objects. The women who write to me and suggest that we ought to have sex usually turn out to be, like, eighty. And their letters always end with, "Just joking."

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Dave Barry

In fact, just about all the major natural attractions you find in the West- the Grand Canyon, the Badlands, the Goodlands, the Mediocrelands, the Rocky Mountains and Robert Redford- were caused by erosion.

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Dave Barry

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

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Dave Barry

I become faint and nauseous during even very minor medical procedures, such as making an appointment by phone.

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Dave Barry

Is there a medical rule that requires doctors-office personnel to treat you as though you have the IQ of a Cheeto?

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Dave Barry

The scrub sink...is the place where doctors wash their hands after they operate so that they won't get flecks of your vital organs on their Lexus upholstery.

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Dave Barry

Many, many of you have written to me asking the following question: 'Dave, have their been any new advancements in the field of artificial falcon insemination, and could these developments be used to improve...

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Dave Barry

Spiders so large they appear to be wearing the pelts of small mammals.

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Dave Barry

American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference...

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Dave Barry

I have a friend named Doris who argues, on good authority, that the single biggest cause of global warming is menopause.

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Dave Barry

Here in the news media, our focus is on speed. When we get hold of some new and possibly inaccurate information, our highest priority is to get it to you, the public, before our competitors do. If the...

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Dave Barry

This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes to get a beer.

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Dave Barry

A critical function that we journalists perform at political conventions is to try to get into parties that we have not been invited to. There are dozens of these parties, sponsored by large corporations...

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Dave Barry

...Terry Jackson, who is the Miami Herald's automotive writer and TV critic. That's correct: This man gets paid to drive new cars AND watch television. If he ever dies and goes to heaven, it's going to...

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Dave Barry

As the saying goes: "If you're not part of the solution, you're a newspaper columnist."

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Dave Barry

As a professional journalist, I have always been fascinated by people who appear to have even more spare time than I do.

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Dave Barry

For the benefit of those of you who have real jobs and are not involved in the news business, I should first explain that . . .

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Dave Barry

One of the issues that we professional newspaper columnists are required by union regulations to voice grave concern about is the federal budget deficit, which we refer to as the "mounting" deficit, because...

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Dave Barry

I, alone, could never have produced this book. I say this mainly in case there are lawsuits.

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Dave Barry

All these people helped make this book possible. But let me make one thing clear: If there are any errors or omissions in this book, these people are not responsible. In the end, there is only one person...

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Dave Barry

First, a few words about this title. It isn't easy, coming up with book titles. A lot of the really good ones are taken. Thin Thighs in 30 Days, for example. Also The Bible.

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Dave Barry

I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized that, like most books, it had too many words.

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Dave Barry

There are a number of people without whom I could not have written this book, but I hope you don't hold that against them. They are all fine people, and they had no idea how it would turn out.

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Dave Barry

Scientists tell us that the fastest animal in the world, with a speed of 120 mph, is a cow dropped out of a helicopter.

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Dave Barry

The trouble is, you cannot grow just one zucchini. Minutes after you plant a single seed, hundreds of zucchini will barge out of the ground and sprawl around the garden, menacing the other vegetables....

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Dave Barry

Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.

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Dave Barry

Computers are getting smarter all the time. Scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us. (And by 'they', I mean 'computers'. I doubt scientists will ever be able to talk to us.)

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Dave Barry

Database: the information you lose when your memory crashes.

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Dave Barry

Hardware: where the people in your company's software section will tell you the problem is. Software: where the people in your company's hardware section will tell you the problem is.

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Dave Barry

I care about our young people, and I wish them great success, because they are our Hope for the Future, and some day, when my generation retires, they will have to pay us trillions of dollars in social...

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Dave Barry

All of us are born with a set of instinctive fears - of falling, of the dark, of lobsters, of falling on lobsters in the dark, of speaking before a Rotary Club, and of the words "Some Assembly Required".

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Dave Barry

Mother Nature clearly intended for us to get our food from the "patty" group, which includes hamburgers, fish sticks, and McNuggets- foods that have had all of their organs safely removed.

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Dave Barry

It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity. I bet this kind of...

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Dave Barry

Without computers, the government would be unable to function at the level of effectiveness and efficiency that we have come to expect. . . . Today's government uses computers which are capable of cranking...

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Dave Barry

Perhaps you are thinking: 'But a tank costs several million dollars, not including floor mats. I don't have that kind of money.' Don't be silly. You're a consumer, right? You have credit cards, right?...

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Dave Barry

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can using only their hands and feet make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

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Dave Barry

The United States tried, by depressing the clutch of diplomacy and downshifting the gearshift lever of rhetoric, to remain neutral, but it became increasingly obvious that the nation was going to get into...

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Dave Barry

I think Superman should go on the Larry King show and announce that he would come back to life if people in all 50 states wanted him to.

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Dave Barry

Dogs love to go for rides. A dog will happily get into any vehicle going anywhere.

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Dave Barry

Although a science fair can seem like a big "pain" it can help you understand important scientific principles, such as Newton's First Law of Inertia, which states: "A body at rest will remain at rest until...

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Dave Barry

Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste...

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Dave Barry

It may be meaningless, but at least it's a gesture.

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Dave Barry

Most married couples, even though they love each other very much in theory, tend to view each other in practice as large teeming flaw colonies, the result of being that they get on each other's nerves...

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Dave Barry

Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said "CIGARETTES CONTAIN FAT.

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Dave Barry

The best way to understand this whole issue is to look at what the government does: it takes money from some people, keeps a bunch of it, and gives the rest to other people.

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Dave Barry

Dogs would make totally incompetent criminals. If you could somehow get a group of dogs to understand the concept of the Kennedy assassination, they would all immediately confess to it. Whereas you'll...

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Dave Barry

The objective is not so much to walk your dog, as it is to empty him.

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Dave Barry

We Americans live in a nation where the medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 25 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in seconds if...

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Dave Barry

Most American homes have alternating current, which means that the electricty goes in one direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents harmful electron buildup in the wires.

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Dave Barry

The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them...

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Dave Barry

Hardware: This is the part of the computer that stops working when you spill beer on it.

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Dave Barry

Software: These programs give instruction to the CPU, which processes billions of tiny facts called bytes, and within a fraction of a second it sends you an error message that requires you to call the...

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Dave Barry

Megahertz: This is really, really big hertz.

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Dave Barry

RAM: This gives guys a way of deciding whose computer has the biggest, studliest memory. That's important, because the more memory a computer has, the faster it can produce error messages.

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Dave Barry

All the shopping malls and restaurants and airports are riddled with low-fidelity loudspeakers, which apparently have developed the ability to reproduce by themselves; these are all connected to a special...

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Dave Barry

Your federal government needs your money so that it can perform vital services for you that you would not think up yourself in a million years.

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Dave Barry

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

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Dave Barry

Guys care about sports teams. I'm not talking about simply rooting; I'm talking about a relationship that guys develop, a commitment to a sport team that guys take way more seriously than, for example,...

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Related quote

Dave Barry

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

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Erik P. Eckholm

One animal or plant species may become extinct every hour. All species are doomed to extinction, but man through worldwide development/killing animals for food/profit/using toxic chemicals such as pesticides/industrial...

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Francis Collins

I'm aware there are certain products that are being advertised - food products - with 'no chemicals whatsoever.' Well, that would be pretty hard to arrange, since everything around us is made up of atoms...

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Tyrone Hayes

We've found that frogs are counting the number of chemicals in the water. If you expose them to two chemicals, there's a slight delay in metamorphosis; if you expose them to ten, there's even more of a...

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Paul Davies

Astonishingly, in spite of decades of research, there is no agreed theory of cancer, no explanation for why, inside almost all healthy cells, there lurks a highly efficient cancer subroutine that can be...

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Marilu Henner

Foods high in bad fats, sugar and chemicals are directly linked to many negative emotions, whereas whole, natural foods rich in nutrients - foods such as fruits, vegetables, grains and legumes - contribute...

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Bertrand Russell

A drop of water is not immortal; it can be resolved into oxygen and hydrogen. If, therefore, a drop of water were to maintain that it had a quality of aqueousness which would survive its dissolution we...

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Robert Winston

While nobody has identified any gene for religion, there are certainly some candidate genes that may influence human personality and confer a tendency to religious feelings. Some of the genes likely to...

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Abraham Lincoln

When I so pressingly urge a strict observance of all the laws, let me not be understood as saying there are no bad laws, nor that grievances may not arise, for the redress of which, no legal provisions...

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Thom Hartmann

Many people I've met believe that plants are made up of soil-that the tree outside your house, for example, is mostly made from the soil in which it grew. That's a common mistake. That tree is mostly made...

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Wendell Berry

We conservatives bemoan the decline in values that has besieged our society. Why then should we not abhor the lack of morality involved in discharging untested chemicals into the air, ground, and water...

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Delia Smith

The chemicals in the dishwashing process tend not to be good for saucepans.

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Jessica Alba

Like many other moms out there, I try to buy safe products for my family, but that can't be the only solution. You can't hire a team of scientists to do your shopping for you. At some point the government...

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Pete Wentz

That’s the problem with all of this. No matter how hard I try, I can’t make it perfect. I can’t keep it in a bottle, can’t ignore reality. Chemicals are involved, the kind scientists try to synthesize...

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Margaret Atwood

The body is so easily damaged, so easily disposed of, water and chemicals is all it is, hardly more to it than a jellyfish drying on sand.

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Kelly Preston

I strongly believe as a mother, as does my husband, that there are certain contributing factors that lead to autism and some of it is very much the chemicals in our environment and in our food,

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Candace Pert

My research has shown me that when emotions are expressed-which is to say that the biochemicals that are the substrate of emotion are flowing freely-all systems are united and made whole. When emotions...

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Alexander Shulgin

The most compelling insight of that day was that this awesome recall had been brought about by a fraction of a gram of a white solid, but that in no way whatsoever could it be argued that these memories...

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Terry Goodkind

There is no such thing as pure good or pure evil, least of all in people. In the best of us there are thoughts or deeds that are wicked, and in the worst of us, at least some virtue. An adversary is not...

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Ludwig Wittgenstein

We regard the photograph, the picture on our wall, as the object itself (the man, landscape, and so on) depicted there. This need not have been so. We could easily imagine people who did not have this...

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Lisa Kleypas

Sometimes you meet a really nice guy, but no matter how you try, you can't seem to make yourself want him. But that's not nearly as bad as when you meet the wrong guy, and you can't make yourself not want...

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“Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.”

― Dr. Seuss